The City Girl Chronicles

So What Am I Trying To Tell Me?

2012-01-28T22:28:00.001-06:00

Scene I
I walk through the door of my home, a suite in a fancy hotel. Upon entering the bathroom, I notice that my beloved Canon Rebel DLSR camera is in the toilet. Panicked, I rescue it from the water, quickly twist off the lens, and empty the liquid that seeped in. Three AA batteries are taken out of the camera, also leaking fluid. Who knows how long it had been soaking... I hoped out loud that it was not completely ruined. I frantically dab all the items with a towel.

Scene II
In a social situation outside of the OR, a surgeon with whom I occasionally work introduces me to two young ladies. They had Indian names that were difficult to pronounce. I try to repeat their names after we were introduced. The surgeon, who is normally jovial and patient, said that I wasn't saying it correctly and told me to try again. Again I failed. I could feel myself becoming increasingly frustrated. He said that I could not leave until I perfected my pronunciation. I continued to struggle.

Repeat Scene I and Scene II

This was the dream that I had a few nights ago. I remember waking up wondering what the heck that was all about. Blindly reaching for my pen and moleskine on my nightstand, I recalled the details scene by scene. At 5:00 AM in the morning, none of it made sense, not that anything makes sense at that ungodly hour!

For days I tried to decipher this message from myself. Marj, what are you trying to tell me? With a little Google magic, plus some knowledge from books I read in the past, I had a good start.

First, I looked at the meaning of the symbols in each scene:

- The camera symbolizes something I am trying to focus on. If I look at its current meaning in my life, it is one of my prized possessions that I use as a way to relax (photography as a hobby).
- Batteries, of course, symbolize energy. My batteries were leaking, so I am losing energy.
- Water can symbolize many things, but in this case it means that I am overwhelmed because it was ruining something that I love (my camera).
- The surgeon probably symbolizes work. In reality, he is very friendly and patient which is why I like him. In this dream, he was demanding. Work is something that I like overall, but, like this doctor, it is very demanding.
- Difficulty talking/pronouncing words and feeling frustrated symbolizes my need to do things the right way or the "perfect" way. I admit that I am a perfectionist. (I'm working on getting over that!)

Interpretation...
My efforts at relaxation and having a life beyond work are being thwarted because I am feeling overwhelmed by something - work or life. I am losing energy quickly. The good news is that I keep trying to recover. I need to try to stop being a perfectionist at work, otherwise I won't be able to move forward.

I guess if I want to gauge my progress with self-care, sometimes the report card doesn't appear on my time card, my bathroom scale or the reflection in the mirror. Sometimes it comes in a dream.

Weighing In

2012-01-23T20:38:00.000-06:00

Two weeks ago, I weighed in at work for our "Biggest Loser" competition. After making significant strides in improving my diet, it wasn't enough. The scale barely budged. I actually gained 0.4 lbs.

Arrrrrggghhhh!!!

It's clear that I can't lose weight on diet alone. Time to try a new strategy...

First of all, I need to exercise. Although my work is somewhat physical, it isn't enough. With my Achilles tendinitis, my routine of choice will involve Pilates and Yoga. Eventually, I would love to go to back to dancing. But first, physical therapy!

Stress is another factor for my weight gain. Damn you, Cortisol production! Exercise will help, but I think that adding something else like meditation will be a huge help.

Am I trying to make too many modifications at the same time? Perhaps, but I want to win this competition. It's time for some self-imposed tough love.

Let's see what happens...

Step On The Gas

2012-01-22T07:08:00.000-06:00

"You have to keep your foot on the gas and build a little speed in order to keep propelling us forward."

This is what I said to my friend S as she drove us on a highway still heavily laden with snow. Apparently, the snowplows and salt trucks were so busy clearing up the local roads that they had not yet cleaned up the highways. We would not be on the road had it not been for the fact that we had to pick up her son, returning from Army training with 140 pounds of luggage, from O'Hare Airport. S's inclination was to drive 5-7 miles per hour and keep hitting the brakes.

Aaaccckkk.... we are never going to make it!
As we passed people who were stuck in the snow, I envisioned the same thing happening to us. Throughout the ride, I coached her on maintaining speed otherwise we would not get through the thickness on the ground.

Keep talking her through this, Marj, or we're in deep trouble...

It was a happy ending when we arrived at the airport in one piece and once again when we made it home to my place.

* * * * * * *

And now I'm keeping my foot on the gas...

In the "dead of winter," there is nothing dead about my life. So much is going on, both overwhelming and exhausting. It makes a girl just want to crawl back under the covers and hide for a while.

But I 'm not going to do that.

Work continues to be crazy. Although the perfectionist in me does not want to be believe it, the truth is that I cannot get everything done on my To Do List. I'm trying to get comfortable with that fact, but it isn't easy!

My personal life, while I have vowed to give myself more of one, keeps slipping to the sideline. I'm almost tempted to get a tattoo that reads "Me First." Why I don't make myself a priority is beyond me!

Obviously, I've got some work to do. Eventually I will get there if I just keep propelling myself forward!

Telephone

2012-01-16T21:37:00.001-06:00

My phone rang at 1:00 AM in the morning.

Yes, 1:00 AM.

'Who the !@#$ would be calling me at this time?!?' I thought.

I glanced at the lighted screen on my phone. It was my 20-something year-old cousin K. At first I let the phone ring and go to voicemail. Then, in my delirium, I remembered what I used to tell my younger cousins about calling me in case of emergency.

"No questions asked," I said, back when they were in high school, "call me if you're ever in trouble."

The realization that something could be truly be wrong, and that I would deeply regret it if he were hurt, shook me out of my deep slumber. I popped up in bed like a waffle in a toaster. DING!

Shit... I have to call him back.

Clearing the sleep from my eyes, I hit the icon to return a missed call. K quickly answered.

It was NOT an emergency. He was not injured, arrested, or stranded in the middle of the city. He was not beat up by a bunch of gang bangers and left to die, nor did he overindulge at a city pub and was too drunk to drive. Little Cousin K was simply up late, working on a job application, and seeking my advice since I am a former recruiter.

You gotta be !@#$ing kidding me...

My initial reaction was anger. I don't remember my exact words, but it was along the lines of having a serious job, being older and needing my rest (yes, I actually said that), and Lord only knows what else came out of my mouth. Eventually, I calmed down, gave him some feedback on a composition, and then went back to being mad.

After we hung up, I couldn't sleep for another hour and a half. I cursed him and his generation. Yes, his WHOLE generation. Obviously, I was raised differently. When I was younger, it was drilled into my brain that, unless someone is dying, you NEVER EVER call someone after 10:00 PM.

Am I really this old???

I wore myself out by catching up on my work and personal e-mails, reading Facebook and Twitter updates, and cleaning my kitchen. By 2:30 AM I was back in bed asleep, opened my eyes at 4:30 AM, hit the alarm several times, and actually started moving by 5:30 AM. Needless to say, slumber prevention tactics were in full force throughout my work day: a steady flow of caffeine plus constant movement. Thank goodness there weren't any huge fires I needed to put out! And, bonus, I didn't hurt anyone.

In retrospect, I need to set some ground rules for my loved ones and for myself when it comes to telephone etiquette. If I don't set parameters, I allow myself to be overly available and, as a result, even more stressed out and tired than I usually am. (If you can't already tell, I am the kind of person who feels the need to take care of my loved ones, sometimes at the cost of my own well-being. Not good. Such a nurse thing, eh?)

So here is the tentative guideline. I have included other rules unrelated to the late night calling but that frequently occur.

Telephone Etiquette for My Closest Friends and Family

Do not call after 10:00 PM or before 5:00 AM unless it is an emergency. I have a job where many decisions actually affect patient care. Kinda important that I'm thinking clearly, wouldn't you say? Emergencies include being too drunk to drive, serious illness or injury (you or another family member), or the end of the world.
Do not call me more than one time for directions if you have a Smartphone. Pull over and Google directions. Check your e-mail for the address of your destination because the likelihood that someone already sent you this info is very high. I am not your GPS nor do I know the city like the back of my hand.
Do not call me while I am on the road to see where I am, especially after I told you that I would be there in one hour, and it has only been 30 minutes since I left my apartment. Seriously.
Do not text me when you know I'm driving because I don't text and drive. It's the LAW!!!

Telephone Suggestions for Me

Do not answer every phone call the first time when I am busy and/or tired. If someone tries calling me more than once, then it's probably important.
Turn off my ringer or put my phone on vibrate before I go to bed. (This one is a tough one.)
Obtain a landline (in my future condo) with a phone and answering machine that announces who is calling. That way I don't have to open my eyes or get out of bed to see who is calling. If they leave a message, I can hear it instead of having to call my voicemail.

Thank you to my friend Sharon for these suggestions!!! My favorite so far is getting that phone with the speaking caller ID and answering machine. While I won't be able to do that for another month, I can at least start shopping for the system!

As usual, I learn a valuable lesson every day. In this case, I can see how well (or not) I am doing in my self-care initiative.

I have a lot of work to do!!!

Waiting

2012-01-14T14:06:00.003-06:00

Having made a New Year's resolution to "get back out there," plus with the added pressure of Valentine's Day being around the corner, finding love is top of mind for many people right now. Even if I'm not actively searching for it, the Match.com and eHarmony commercials on TV remind me of one thing that this goal-oriented gal hasn't tackled yet: finding my match.

Honestly, I'm not good at this. There are countless books, websites, and blogs that tell you how to date and how to find love, but really there are no formulas. Being the analytical person that I am, I LOVE formulas; therefore, when it comes to matters of romance, I am at a loss.

[(Good Values + Confidence + Personality + Charm + Good Heart + Attractiveness + Career) x 2] + Luck = Love!

I have tried following my gut in the dating game, but as many of my closest friends know, I seem to have TERRIBLE instincts. Or perhaps, I just ignore them.

I'm listening now... Hello??? Will you tell me something? Anything?

There is also that little matter of chemistry where I can't control to whom I'm attracted. A frustrating fact, if you ask me. How many times have I passed up the chance to date a perfectly nice guy just because I couldn't see myself kissing him at the end of a date? It's only after dating someone "exciting" (a.k.a. The Bad Boy) that I realize that my hormones steered me in the wrong direction. BB dates me because I am a challenge too. Eventually, he gets bored and moves onto his next conquest, leaving me kicking myself at the thought of passing up the nice guy to be with the scoundrel.

How many girls can tell the same story?

While it hasn't been easy trying to forget all the mistakes I made in my past relationships, I have learned how to forgive and move on. It's a start...

Now I just have to be open to the possibilities.

Old Me, New Me

2012-01-09T20:53:00.000-06:00

After dragging myself home on Friday night, it was too late to do anything. Actually, I DECIDED that it was too late to do anything at 7:00 PM. Sad, but true.

The apartment was quiet, but then around 8:00 PM my hardwood floors started to vibrate. Music from downstairs...

Dammit --- those kids!!!

Yes, I sighed to myself, I have turned into one of THOSE people. Once upon a time, I would have joined them in a prelude to what would be known as an All Night Rage. Now, only rare appearances of my dare-I-say Happy Go Lucky Self emerge from the oppression of Grown Up Life.

Come back, Fun Marj!!!

The last time she blessed us with her presence was September 2011 for my cousin K's 27th birthday. I was only going out for "one drink." Famous last words that I know I should never utter. It must have been the magic phrase because I not only stayed out longer, but I drank more than any of my twenty-something year old cousins. They were amazed that I had the stamina. (Uh, me too!) I told them that they would have liked to hang out with me in my twenties. Instead of being the Elder Cousin and the Voice of Reason, I would cause as much trouble as they do.

But here I am. Older... Wiser... Except for the occasional Wild Hair. Thank goodness for that.

This past Friday night when I jumped into my pajamas, I was satisfied that I wasn't missing anything at the bars and settled in to watch a couple of documentaries about Food, Beer, and the Environment on Netflix. This helped begin the untangling of my brain from work.

* * * * * * *

Saturday morning arrived and I was snug as a bug buried under the warmth and tenderness of my down comforter.

Go back to sleep, Marj... You deserve it...

When I was a teenager, I used to be able to sleep all day. Nowadays, it is a miracle if I "sleep in" until 7:00 AM, so last Saturday when I stayed in my pajamas until almost 1:00PM, I jumped for joy. For a crazy, perfectionistic workaholic, this was definitely an accomplishment!

Later I finally found the motivation to shower and primp, then ventured out into the unusually sunny and warm January day to run errands. This turned into a night at the movies with girlfriends. Perfectly low key and stress free.

* * * * * * *

Sunday was much of the same except for attending Mass at the beautiful historic church across the street from my apartment. More errands, then the Blackhawks game.

It's funny how much stress is caused by a sporting event. I don't remember let the unfolding of a game get under my skin this much before. The Blackhawks were playing one of our biggest rivals --- the Detroit Red Wings. Booooooooo!!! Seriously, I don't think people born and raised outside of Chicago and Detroit understand this rivalry. As fans, we really don't like each other much. Like REALLY. But then again, as my friend S said, "we heckle in good fun." Only in the Midwest!!!

What was a started as a good game, ended in a heartbreaking loss when the Red Wings scored a tie-breaking goal in overtime. Was this a sign of the week to come?

* * * * * * *

Monday morning. Not too cold, but I still woke up at the butt crack of dawn. I didn't feel like taking the L, even though it is only a four stop ride which dumps me off right in front of the hospital. My primary motivator for driving my Prius ~ Cherry Red ~ was the morning news report of a recent mugging at the nearby Red Line stop. Ahhhhh... Life in the big bad city. All for the sake of an iPhone.

!@#$ing crazy people. Forget this. I have a car and it wants to be driven.

Aside from the usual work stuff, my friend S and I checked in with one of our co-workers who is coordinating our department's version of The Biggest Loser. Stepping on the scale was a painful reminder of how little progress I made over the last year of getting into shape. Well, at least the number didn't budge. Still... Ouch.

* * * * * * *

We are into the second week of the New Year and I have to yet shake off the residue of 2011. But change is inevitable and, with a little elbow grease, I may just get myself going in the right direction.

Last Now First

2012-01-07T09:03:00.002-06:00

As I sat in my cubicle at work at 6pm last night, a co-worker came into my office and reminded me that it was Friday and that I should go home. It was then that I realized I had started to revert to my old ways.

Good grief, Marj, he's right. What the heck are you doing here???

I punched out and shut down my computer. When the little voice inside my head told me that I still had more to do, I forced myself to keep heading to the locker room

This weekend you have to pay attention to YOU, Marj!!!

Why do I keep putting myself last? Why do I feel like I have to perform better at work? I'm already working my butt off and then some!!! When I receive any kind of criticism from my manager or co-workers, why do I feel so driven to do better when I'm already killing myself? What does that say about me?

Time to let go of perfectionistic tendencies...

Sure I want to be good at what I do; however, I cannot keep beating myself up about being human. There is only so much I can do. At some point, I have to get some perspective on where work falls in my life. If I drop the ball on a couple of things like paperwork and filling out forms, I have to get over it. That's all there is to it.

So the rest of this weekend is dedicated to me. I have to write this or say it out loud so I do it. Some friends want to get together and do something. How can I when I have not given enough time to myself?

And on that note, I'm starting my Me Time now...

Under Pressure

2012-01-03T22:46:00.001-06:00

This basically sums up how I feel right now, between the craziness at work and the overwhelming experience of buying my first home. I sure could use a stiff drink...

Firsts and Other Things

2012-01-01T18:01:00.000-06:00

Happy 2012!!!

I love the feeling of tearing off the wrapper of a brand new year... The anticipation and excitement, not to mention the hope, put into the next twelve months. In a sense, we get that feeling of starting over. Who doesn't want a "do over?" If last year sucked, which let's face it - part of it did, then we have a whole new calendar with which to play.

So what am I going to do in 2012? Well, I know that I have some control over what happens to me. I've chosen my direction and I'm setting sail.

This is going to be year of firsts...
~ Going through the home purchasing experience for the first time and actually owning real estate
~ Traveling to London
~ Attending the Olympic Games

It's a time to focus on what's important to me...
~ Spending time with family and close friends
~ Being healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally
~ Reconnecting with my spiritual side

I'll be continuing on my creative path...
~ Photographing the the world around me
~ Developing my writing
~ Dancing!

My passion for nursing will always be there, but this is the year to really BALANCE my life!

Now let's see where the winds take me...

2011 Year in Review

2011-12-31T20:17:00.000-06:00

While catching up on some of the blogs I follow, I came across a review of a writer's experiences in 2011, covering what went well and what could have been better. Here is my view of this past year starting with the bad stuff...

Things That I Wish Were Better
Work Stress
I started my current job - assistant clinical nurse manager in surgery - last year. In the beginning, the challenges were a bit overwhelming. I was internalizing everything plus working 10-12 hours most of the week. By 2011, it felt like scales were tipped and I was going to drown. That's when I realized I need to take action. Thankfully, I somehow caught my breath and got out from under the endless waves. I only wish that I reacted quicker to the oncoming tsunami. It was an important lesson to learn. Moral of the story: if you are not healthy mentally and physically, then you cannot be effective in your job. I'm noticing that I occasionally find myself drawn to the rough waters, but I'm getting better at recognizing the symptoms and throwing myself a lifeline.

Achilles Tendinitis
This is again another example of not paying attention to what my body tells me. The tendinitis is an old injury which came back when I pushed myself in the Spring to run the Shamrock Shuffle. Then I started training for a half marathon. I thought that if I rested it would get better. When the pain worsened, I finally gave in and saw a doctor who recommended physical therapy. It has been a slow and frustrating road. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this, but I will keep plugging away!

Dating
Looking back over the past year, I didn't go on many dates. When I did have opportunities, I fell into the same bad habit of choosing men who were not emotionally available or who were flat out not right for me. I hate to think that I'm really anti-relationship and that's why I choose these guys. Time for some serious introspection, Marj...

Things That Were Really Awesome
Making Progress at Work
When I first arrived at my current job, it felt like there was so much to do. I soon discovered that was an understatement. Surrounded by some absolutely fantastic people, I was able to focus and we moved forward together. By the time my first year anniversary with the hospital rolled around, I could look around and see how much progress we have made and how much I have grown as a leader. There is more to accomplish, but I learned that I'm not alone in the desire to provide the best care for our patients and to give 100% every day.

Living With My Little Cousin
For about six months, my cousin K lived on my couch. While this sounds might sound unappealing to some, I actually liked the company. I let her stay with me for free because I remember what it was like to want to venture out on my own, but not have the resources. Living with me allowed her to be close to work, lower her stress, plus save money. The benefit for me was having the company of someone who is like a kid sister to me. Now that she has her own place, it's a bit lonely some nights. Time to get a dog...

Trip to Stockholm, Sweden
Ever since I can remember, I have had wanderlust, an intrinsic need to explore the world around me. This year's choice was to travel to see my favorite Svenska Flicka (Swedish Girl) Emily in her homeland. It was so wonderful to spend time with her and strengthen an already powerful bond. I felt extremely comfortable wandering this beautiful city with and without my friend. Could I ever live there? Yes! Well, at least in the summer. Maybe in 2013, I'll plan a winter trip to see her.

Apartment Rehab
For one painful month, I lived out of boxes in the apartment below while my landlord rehabbed my apartment. When it was finally finished, it was gorgeous. There are still a few things that I would change if I owned it, but altogether it is wonderful.

Buying A New Home
On Thanksgiving Day, my family sold me on the idea that now is the time to stop paying rent and actually own my very own home. Less than two weeks later, I laid eyes on my future home. Now I'm going through the process of entering into my first serious long-term commitment. I would have thought that it would have been marriage, but with all the cheating and divorces I've witnessed, this is so much better!

So that is everything in a nutshell...

Thank you to my family and friends who made this a wonderful year with great adventures... Looking forward to 2012!!!

Happy New Year!

Gott nytt år!

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Maligayang Bagong Taon!

Christmas Past and Present

2011-12-25T10:09:00.000-06:00

Before the internet, before Skype, before video games, and before we all grew up and had jobs that took over our lives; my extended family celebrated Christmas together. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and people we adopted as family would gather at Auntie Nilda's house in Milwaukee. As in most Filipino celebrations, there was no shortage of food, music, and loud (very loud) laughter.

My mom and aunts, busy working in the kitchen, happily told tales of their childhood to any of us kids who lingered nearby hoping to get a taste of the delicious creations boiling on the stove. Tinkling the ivories was my dad. Like the Piano Man, he took requests and tips... In the form of Christmas cookies, that is!

If we weren't in the kitchen, my cousins and I would be running around my aunt's seemingly gi-normous house, playing hide and seek. At some point, my older cousins would find some way to torture me or my younger brother, usually by tickling us till we peed in our pants. To this day, I remind Cousin Fitz of the effects of such punishment!

When it was finally time for our meal, we gathered around a long table, saying a prayer of thanksgiving. The feast included traditional Filipino dishes like lumpia shanghai (little eggrolls), pancit palabok (noodles), marinated pork chops, and rice, as well as American entrees as well.

After the meal, the family gathered around the piano where my dad was ready to lead the chorus of carols. Our very own live karaoke!

Today's celebration is a bit different... My cousins and I are now part of the coordination of the big event. Sadly, it is more difficult to get everyone together. But don't be sad... Christmas isn't the only occasion for us to gather. Thank goodness!

Well, it's time for the festivities to begin...

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My Final Rite of Passage to Adulthood

2011-12-23T12:36:00.002-06:00

It's finally over. The negotiating, that is. I'm writing some big checks this weekend and am one step closer to becoming a homeowner for the first time. Yikes. My emotions are mixed. Excitement and fear crash over me like waves of the deep blue ocean. I can never tell which one is coming.

Overall, I am excited. My family and friends have been really supportive and reassure me that I can handle this. Amidst the stress from work, I am trying to maintain perspective. It's not easy, but so far I haven't had any breakdowns.

It will be weird to say goodbye to apartment living. Who will help me fix stuff when it breaks? DAD!!! Now that I think of it, he will probably be more helpful than my landlord (a.k.a. Cheech --- or is he more like Chong?).

I'm not going to get ahead of myself. First things first --- get my finances and paperwork in order and start purging junk so that I don't have to move it to the next place!!!

The Art of Negotiating

2011-12-20T21:58:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a chess game. On Saturday, after getting the seal of approval from my parents, I put in a bid on a condo. And so began the negotiating. Between the texts, e-mails, voicemails, and phone calls with my realtor aunt, I have become dizzy with the numbers game.

We came in super low, of course, because we want to get the best price. I understand that move. That's the right strategy, according to my aunt, considering the current state of the real estate market, economy, not to mention the unemployment rate. I'm in control, so I've been told. It sure doesn't feel like it!!!

Today I was given a number which I think sounds fair. Although I feel pretty good about it, I had to call a couple of friends, plus my parents for moral support. My friends said it sounded great - good price for the area. My parents, on the other hand, had other thoughts.

Mom thinks that I should get a bigger place. Bigger than 1000 square feet at this price in a desirable neighborhood? Hmmmm... She obviously knows nothing about city living. I would have to look further north into a sketchy area [read: time to get a gun]. Not gonna happen.

Dad thinks that we could still talk the guy down $5K. Since I am unfamiliar with how real estate negotiating is supposed to go, I told him to call my aunt and discuss his thoughts with her.

Aaaaaccccckkkk... What's a girl to do?

I need to sleep on this...

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

2011-12-18T23:27:00.000-06:00

Friday night I had dinner with four of the funniest ladies I know - a combination of current and former co-workers. They don't have to try to make me laugh; it just happens... Like spontaneous combustion! They just can't help themselves.

These ladies follow the tenet that no matter how bad things are, there is always SOMETHING about a situation that is humorous. They are the antidote to the poison of workplace stress. Sometimes I think I should videotape them just to remind myself not to take myself too seriously.

The New Year is around the corner, so I'm compiling my resolutions today. First on the list is "laugh as much as possible." Why wait until 2012? I'm starting right now!!!

Two Steps Forward, Twenty Steps Back

2011-12-15T18:31:00.001-06:00

Just when I thought I was making progress with my achilles tendinitis, I somehow re-aggravate my injury and I am back to square one. Arrrrgh! I want to get back to aerobic activity, but I have to wait. I really need to get back to a regular yoga practice...

Almost Home

2011-12-13T20:47:00.000-06:00

Let's review...

X Conversations with my parents and realtor aunt.
X Examining finances and getting credit check done.
X Settling into the idea of home ownership.
X Confirming a time to take one more look at the condo with my parents and realtor aunt.

This is really happening, my friends!!!

If all goes well, I could be a homeowner by the end of January 2012. It looks like the theme of 2012 is "Taking Risks!"

Stay tuned...

Kindred Spirits

2011-12-12T23:53:00.004-06:00

Every day can be a grind...

Wake up. Jump out of bed. Morning hygiene routine. Put on makeup. Get dressed and run out the door. Walk to train. Swipe CTA card. Climb stairs. Wait for train. Get on train. Ignore people on train. Get off train. Go down stairs. Walk across street to hospital. Elevator to unit. Change into scrubs. Punch in.

Work for 10 hours.

Punch out. Change out of scrubs. Elevator to ground floor. Walk across street to El station. Swipe CTA card. Climb stairs. Wait for train. Get on train. Ignore people on train. Get off train. Go down stairs. Go home. Eat dinner. Take off makeup. Evening hygiene routine. Climb into bed. Go to sleep.

I can do this day and day out, but...

This is not what I want. Life is about being awake for moments, even if they come at the beginning of our day, or appear towards the end.

Tonight I was able to reconnect with an old friend. It has been awhile since we spoke. We are both nurses with experience in surgery. Although she is no longer in the OR, she still understands my daily challenges. What a gift to have a friend who is on the same wavelength!

Thank you, my friend, for pulling me out of the Grind Mentality tonight. I am thankful to have nurse friends who understand what I do and who know how to lift the weight off my shoulders...

City Girl Seeks Condo... I Think

2011-12-10T08:26:00.000-06:00

I always feel a bit overwhelmed this time of year. I'm not sure why. My thoughts are crowded with a floating checklist of things to do, places to go, people to see. I can't seem to find solid ground. Of course, it is partly my fault. I am guilty of allowing the elements around me to take over.

My family surrounded me on Thanksgiving and somehow talked me into starting a search for a condo. It sounded fun at first, so I looked around last Saturday with my aunt (my agent) and my friend Heidi who played the role of consultant. After viewing six condos in various neighborhoods, I found a place that I could call my own. Admittedly, it was an enjoyable albeit slightly stressful experience. My aunt and Heidi spent significant time reassuring me that I can afford to buy. You're making good money... You're a nurse, so you have job security... I liked the idea of planting some solid roots in Chicago, having a real home, and the additional bonus of not having to answer to my Deadhead landlord. I was sold. At least for that day.

This week has been where reality set in. Over the last several days, I have been working on my pre-approval, gathering my W-2's, last two paystubs, blah, blah, blah. This is when doubt and panic reared its ugly head. If you know me at all, I am easily overwhelmed by numbers --- specifically related to my money. My approach to high price tag items is like taming a wild dog. I am on my hands and knees, staying low, approaching slow, and hoping that I don't get ripped to shreds.

Honestly, I don't know where I get this from. I grew up the daughter of a doctor, surrounded by others who had a more than comfortable lifestyle. Somewhere along the lines I was instilled with either a conservative approach toward money or a fear of losing everything I have. It really doesn't take much for me to be happy. Most high ticket items, with the exception of travel, give me a quick buzz, but nothing that sustains me.

I went into a panic yesterday when my aunt reviewed my payment options which would affect how much I dish out every month.

Aaaaccccckkkk!!! Can I afford it? I just put all this money into going to the Olympics next year in London. Am I going to be house poor? What should I do?

The thought of tackling the hurdle of first time home ownership is daunting. My stubborn independent side applies pressure to make a decision alone. I have to remind myself my parents are by my side, ready and willing to help as they always are.

Today I'll be hanging out with them. Perhaps I will be able to breathe easier after my parents and I sit down and talk.

On another note, out of this experience, an interesting question emerged...

Why is it so hard for me to ask others for help? Why do I have a difficult time showing my loved ones that I NEED them?

We all need each other, yet sometimes we insist that we stand on our own, a solitary structure. The truth is, it not only takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village for all of us to survive.

Muse

2011-12-08T21:48:00.001-06:00

Once again, my hobbies have fallen to the wayside. What's up with that?

My favorite excuse is that work takes up most of my time. While that may be true, I am in control of my life. I can make adjustments.

My idea for a screenplay is developing, but I have yet to type a word. Perhaps I need inspiration... Or how about a muse? How do I find it? Any suggestions?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2011-11-24T06:12:00.001-06:00

Thankful for the all the blessings I have!

My family and friends
My health
My nursing career
The food in my belly
The clothes on my back
The roof over my head
As always, my cup runneth over...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The Cousins Challenge

2011-11-17T21:02:00.001-06:00

My next adventure began this evening when I attended a Screenwriting 101 workshop with my cousin. There were plenty of Seriously Creative types which made me, a Somewhat Creative type, question whether or not I should be there.

Never mind, I told myself. This is part of self-discovery.

It was not a very organized meeting. "Ragtag" my cousin called it. The instructor, also a teacher at the local arts college and a self-proclaimed "established" screenwriter himself, handed out printed copies of excerpts from his blog. They were bits and pieces haphazardly stapled together. It was difficult to follow along as he breezed right through the lesson, assuming everyone understood the various terminology used in writing movie scripts.

Whoa... Now hold on! Remember the 101 part of the course?

It felt very condescending, as if I had to have a background in screenwriting in order to participate in this workshop. The instructor was generous in sharing opinion, but knowledge was for those whose minds were already dreaming of Hollywood.

Ultimately, I didn't trust what he was saying... Why should I? His tone told me that I was going to fail more than I would succeed.

Creative Cousin and I agreed that, while we received valuable information from this session, we should proceed on our own. There is a timeline for our projects so that, if all goes well, we can submit scripts for contest in May 2012.

Stay tuned!

Selfish

2011-11-15T21:49:00.001-06:00

Today I want to be selfish.

OK, it is already late in the evening... But one day soon, I would really, really, really like to be selfish.

Naturally, being a nurse, I spend most days caring about other people. Maybe I do not spend the majority of my time in direct contact with patients, but what I do as an assistant nurse manager makes a big impact on the quality of their care. This is something I take seriously. VERY SERIOUSLY. (Y'know, it's Life and Death, people.)

In the Surgery Department, I run around trying to make sure that the people who report to me - the nurses, surgical techs, and assistants - feel supported. These are the folks who are directly taking care of human beings. When they need something in a hurry, I try to help them troubleshoot, whether it be locating instruments or figuring out equipment issues. Listening skills are put to the test with everyone from staff to physicians venting frustrations to me. This happens on a daily basis.

Most days, I can handle this. No problemo! My shoulders can carry some of this weight and still have enough for myself. I also have the support of the leadership team, some who happened to be my friends as well.

But lately, a dark cloud looms overhead. It follows my every move as I navigate from room to room, meeting to meeting. Every day someone is dumping yet another responsibility on my plate or yet another issue to solve. They raise their voices, stomp their feet, and expect me to absorb their frustration. Do something about it, they demand. A lot of the issues with which we are dealing take time and patience to fix. Of course, people don't want to hear about it. THEY WANT RESULTS NOW!!!

I feel the stress from work tipping the balance between peace and insanity. Adrift on the Sea of Uncertainty, I am stuck on a flimsy raft with no sails and no oars. Will I sink? I don't know. Does anyone know I'm out here? I don't know.

I feel utterly alone.

My best friends and closest family members are far away and are not instantly accessible. When I need someone to "talk me off the ledge," it's not like I can sneak away somewhere to call my loved ones to help me through my crisis. They have jobs and families. In other words, they have a lot going on in their own lives, too. I don't want to burden them with my drama.

There are other friends who, contrary to what they think, really don't listen to me. When I try to vent to them, I feel absolutely no sense of relief because I can feel their disinterest. Forget I'm talking and just go back to your godforsaken smart phone! Ugh. Seriously.

Anyway, in the prison of my current mental state, I am tinkering with the lock. I will be free. Somehow I think the key will be putting myself first for a change.

Taking the Next Step

2011-11-14T19:07:00.001-06:00

"Hey... Wanna join a Writers' Circle?" asked my cousin K.

Hmmmm... Sounds interesting, I thought.

"Sure," I replied. "What a Writers' Circle?"

K sent me information on an upcoming workshop - Screenwriting 101.

Wait... Screenwriting???

Originally, my plan was to work on writing my first book. Now screenplay?

Picture this... I write my first screenplay. An acquaintance reads it and urges me to submit it to a friend of friend in California who happens to know someone who knows someone in the film industry. After much anticipation, my phone rings one Friday afternoon. The next thing you know, my screenplay comes to life in the hands of a famous director.

And now back to reality!

Writing a screenplay is a daunting challenge, sort of like playing a sport. I learned how to play soccer, not to play in the World Cup, but for the joy I feel when I am out on the field. In the same regard, the point of this exercise is not to change careers or become rich and famous. I want to do something I love, share a little bit of myself, and perhaps finally RELAX!!!

Finding My Voice Again

2011-11-08T22:39:00.000-06:00

A couple of months ago, an old woman from Mexico, Margarita the Mystical, told me that I need to find my voice. Apparently, she felt that I was holding in so much that if I didn't let some of it go, I would explode.

What am I holding in? I asked myself, as if I didn't know.

I'm in a profession where good listening skills are required. Every day patients, physicians, and fellow healthcare workers vent to me. Whether or not I'm in a managerial role, people have always come to me to spill their guts, pour out their hearts, and leave me standing there feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. They feel better; I feel heavier. It's hard for me to recall a time where someone returned the favor and listened to me for a change.

Margarita was right. I need to find my voice again. But how?

"Start by singing....or if you don't sing, then write," she advised.

I smiled when she instructed me to do this because I used to do both - ALL THE TIME.

Before I could write, I could sing. My fondest memories of my childhood include me belting out torch songs, Broadway hits and popular tunes. In my angst-ridden teenage years, I learned how to sing every song about heartbreak in my family's sheet music collection and accompany myself on the piano. Hours were spent at the baby grand expressing my impossible pain. In my adulthood, I have gone through stretches where I focus on musical practice. Admittedly, it has been at least a year or two, a shame for someone who had such a passion for it.

Writing is also one of my long lost loves. Since grade school, I have jotted down my deepest thoughts in journals. This, of course, has evolved to what I have now which is a blog. Aside from more recent posts, I feel like I haven't taken any chances with my writing. Perhaps I shouldn't be making my innermost thoughts public, but the goal here is catharsis. I'm willing to give it a shot.

The City Girl Chronicles is where I will begin again. Bear with me as I start baring my soul --- or something like that.

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving

2011-11-08T17:04:00.000-06:00

What a great idea!!!

Decisions in Dating

2011-10-30T13:54:00.000-05:00

I can't remember the last time that I actually thought that dating was fun.

Was it in college?

At this point in my life, I never thought I would still be single, but here I am, unwed but not unhappy. I've watched as good marriages go bad. Some have survived the challenge, some have completely blown up. It hasn't been pretty. And I've watched and admired as people have grown more in love over the years. Their secret? Who knows...

Friends who are in a similar position as me have made one of two choices - date like crazy until something takes or completely give up on ever finding someone. I don't comprehend either choice. Classify me as a conservatively hopeful person.

Sure, I want to fall in madly in love, get married, and have a family. But that's not the only way to be happy in this life! This much I know. I have decided that I can be happy dating a nice guy. No forecasts of the future, no rings, just mutual respect and a desire to spend time together.

Now you might be thinking that I'm crazy, people are put on this Earth to procreate, blah, blah, blah. Just stop. Spending time with a good man without the pressure of matrimony sounds like a better option to me - for now at least.

Society has made it clear that the touchdown in the game of relationships is marriage. Well, just because you got to spike the bouquet at the End Zone Altar, doesn't mean that you and your spouse wind up in the Hall of Fame of Wedded Bliss. Until someone proves that they are worth a more serious commitment, I'm content to play the game and not worry about the final score.

Restless

2011-10-25T20:09:00.001-05:00

I had a long day at work. I put in an almost 12 hour day in hopes of checking off several items from my mile-long To Do List. Not that I'm complaining... I know I have a choice. Admittedly, I am a workaholic. I'm in self-directed rehab making very slow progress. Very....Slow. Sigh.

Sometimes I actually have moments to myself - just Me, Myself, and I. Relax, breathe, and think. That's what I do, like I did last Sunday. But then my analytical brain takes over sending me into the vortex of my swirling thoughts.

What am I doing with my life? Is this really worth it? Should I start a business? What business would I start? Would this consume even more time than my job does now? What else do I want out of my life other than work? Am I going to be single for the rest of my life? Will I ever have any children? Could I ever adopt a child? Should I adopt a puppy? Will my landlord be upset if I get a dog? How much more will he charge? Can I afford to buy a condo? When should buy a condo? What area should I live in? Should I stay in Chicago? Should I move overseas? Should I move to Sweden? What if my parents get sick? Should I save for the time when I become their caregiver? Will I have enough energy to do this? Do I have enough energy now? Should I work out more so I have energy?

And it goes on and on...

It feels like I've written about this before. I'm sure I have. Unfortunately, the Vortex rears its ugly, dizzying head at least a couple of times a year.

When it gets hairy like this, I have to let my thoughts take their course no matter how uncomfortable. Riding out the nonsensical storm, I force myself to be still. Don't make any rash moves just for the sake of temporary distraction, I tell myself. It is tough, but I do it.

A couple of days later, I find myself calm again. Maybe it is merely a small break from examining my life, but perhaps I have advanced to the next step which is peace.

Friend or Not?

2011-10-17T21:37:00.002-05:00

After every bad experience (occasionally good, but who are we kidding) with a friend, I often find my wheels turning as I deconstruct the event. I feel the need to somehow decipher whether or not the negative or strange interaction was a fluke, or perhaps this person is really crazy/wrong/evil and should not be in my life. And I try not to think about it all evening; I'll end up pondering it for the next year. Or more.

The Forgive and Forget Girl, that's how like I to think of myself. Unfortunately, I, like so many women, have the talent of hanging on to the past, forgiving but not forgetting, still chewing on it like a ratty piece of gum under a chair, as if it was fresh out of the wrapper. Believe me, I've been trying not to be like this.

Let it go, Marj...

Perhaps if, most of my life, I hadn't been the Nice Girl Whom People Take Advantage, maybe things would be different. But my guard goes up on occasion, when the familiar smell of betrayal rears its ugly stench.

And sometimes it isn't betrayal. Sometimes the fact is that the two of us are just so different... We could share one quality or interest, which gets us to hang out in the first place. Eventually we discover the rest are polar opposites and we are at a standstill. What do we do now?

The most challenging friendship to have, in my opinion, is with someone with low self-esteem. Despite my flaws and various challenges, overall I am happy with myself and my life. The difference isn't immediately noticeable. At first glance, we seem to be on the same page.

When life deals me lemons, I can usually shake it off, smile, and say "It could be worse, right?"

That friend pretends to agree and nods enthusiastically.

As my life improves and hers is not going in the direction she wants, I start hearing the lightning fast almost-camouflaged digs that are slipped in conversation. She can't be happy that I'm happy. Huh? My sad friend will hyperanalyze until life looks a bit grim and grey. The slight bleeding from the papercut-sized wound left by her criticism almost goes unnoticed. Sometimes it's more obvious. Unwarranted fights are picked and I'm left scratching my head, wondering what happened and why we can't discuss our issues like grown-up.

Eventually, it all adds up, and one way or another, the friendship ends.

Why don't I ever see this coming???

Then I realize that this is only one of many friends. And if I actually stop and look around, I do have people in my life that, by some small miracle, actually get me.

So when this lost friend comes back around, looking to reconnect and be part of my life, I am kind, but wise. Forgiveness? Yes. Friendship? Perhaps not.

I'm all about Quality over Quantity these days.

Fragile

2011-09-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

I cried a lot today.

A lot.

First, during the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, I completely lost it during the Survivor Parade. Normally, I'm detached and can get into coach mode where I let all the positive energy come out in words and cheering. But then I thought about the women I knew and loved, especially my father's sister - my Aunt Rebecca, who are no longer with us. Then the vision of the breast cancer survivors on stage, crying, cheering, and standing strong, took my breath away. I could not hold it in.

Later at home, I listened to an interview of an author, elderly and sick, on National Public Radio while I was doing some routine housekeeping. Something in this man's voice stopped me. He spoke with such great passion, joy, and reverence for life. He told stories of loved ones - both living and departed - and confessed how he cries at the fragility of life. I could feel right through the live-streaming webcast that everything he was saying was sincere and from his heart.

I could feel a lump in my throat start to form and the wetness of my tear ducts.

With a tremble in his voice, he advised the interviewer, "Live your life, live your life, live your life..."

I was alone and thought, 'You are so ridiculous, Marj... Oh forget it, just cry.'

I'm not sure why now, after all the years of being able to control the waterworks, it comes out so easily. My theory is that the tears are triggered by the sight and sound of certain things. As I've aged, I find myself, like the elderly man, getting more sensitive to how beautiful but temporary life is. It is like a full wine glass at the edge of a table; one wrong move - for whatever reason - then all that's left are pieces and a puddle on the hardwood floor. You are left with one less in a family of goblets.

One less.

It's OK to cry if you have a good reason. This beautiful life is as good as any.

See You Later, Social Network

2011-09-23T22:07:00.000-05:00

I hate the new Facebook format and I love it at the same time.

At the risk of sounding like a grouchy old woman, I will tell you that hate it because I was comfortable with the old set up. It was easy for me to navigate without having to think so much about settings and where to look for what. What was so wrong about the old format? Sigh...

Why do I love it? Because it makes me want to get back to other things that I enjoy doing like giving "face time" to family and friends, writing, hiking, music, and photography.

I hate to admit this, but for a while I was truly addicted to Facebook. I had left once before, so never did I think that I would go back to that social network. Some family and friends were able to convince me to reactivate. Once I returned, I shocked at how easily I was sucked into the Facebook Vortex --- Posting, Commenting, Friending, and Liking. With my busy schedule, it seemed like the perfect way to keep in touch with friends.

After a long while, it became less satisfying to connect online. I don't know... I guess I was starting to feel empty. Facebook was a wonderful way to stay in touch with family, because I knew that, inevitably, I would see each them at the next holiday gathering, family reunion, wedding, baby shower, or, God forbid, funeral. With friends, unless you have deeper ties, there are no such obligations. Ultimately, it made me realize the small number of people with whom I have a more than surface connection. A fair amount, but not as many as I originally thought.

A question popped in my head: What the heck am I doing, spending precious time trying to connect with 400+ people, who may or may not really care about me?

That's a good question, Marj!

Time to take a step back and make better use of my time. So thank you Facebook with your new format. You have awakened me from my slumber!

Occasionally, I will stop by to visit, but I won't live there anymore...

Project Update

2011-09-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

A little over one month later and I'm happy to report that I have made progress on my little project (getting rid of stress!). Things started taking a turn for the positive the last week in August, just before I moved back up to my remodeled apartment. I made appointments to deal with my stress and health issues.

First was a massage session with a fantastic therapist who also focuses on breathwork. Yeah, I know that sounds dumb, like I should know how to breathe. You would be surprised how often, especially during moments of high stress, we actually forget to inhale and exhale.

Second, I consulted with an orthopedic surgeon about my achilles tendinitis and am now on my way to healing this ongoing problem. It turns out that I have insertional achilles tendinitis and just need a little physical therapy. Three weeks into my sessions and I am already seeing the fruits of my labor. I won't say that running is in my future, but perhaps a return to Swing and Lindy Hop is in order.

Just before the first of this month, I breathed a sigh of relief when I was able to move back into my new and improved abode. There were a few minor issues, but now that I'm back upstairs, I'm feeling better about life. It's amazing what happens when one's home life is disrupted.

At work, things continue to be really intense, but I am making it a point to keep my additional hours to a minimum. Even the surgeons tell me that I need a life outside of work. I was happy to hear they didn't expect me to dedicate my whole being to the operating room!

To make things more interesting, my social life is alive and well. I just have to force myself to leave my wonderful apartment! Or maybe it's time to bring the people to me and just have a party. Well, maybe after I spruce up the place a bit!

Remember

2011-09-11T06:02:00.000-05:00

When I see the replay of the video of the towers going down, I re-live emotions that I thought were long since buried. Unfortunately, the heartache and the loss are as real as they were 10 years ago. I can't stop crying, although I personally did not lose someone in that attack. My fellow Americans lost on that day will never be forgotten. Their spirits live on as long as we never stop cherishing our country and the freedoms we have here.

Here is the tale of two of the heroes from 9/11. You can listen to StoryCorps on your local NPR, but watch it online as well...

"Hello, I'm Marjorie and I'm A Workaholic..."

2011-08-06T19:49:00.002-05:00

It has been sometime since I posted and, to be honest, I am feeling like I am sailing toward the Perfect Storm. Since I last wrote, I returned from Sweden feeling rejuvenated and rested, having spent some quality time with one of my best friends. I was making progress with finding balance between work and my personal life, leaving work at a decent hour, exercising, and even reconnecting with old friends.

But ever so slowly, the wheels began to fall off.

Things started turning sour when I went on a bad date (a story which I'll save for another post). Needless to say, I quickly moved on. Not too long after that, I found myself in yet another undesirable dating situation - nicer guy, but emotional issues that only a shrink should attempt to handle. In my best interest, I removed myself from this potentially co-dependent scenario.

Around the same time, my landlord broke the news that he wanted to renovate my apartment and could I please move to the unit below for one month.

"It will be stress-free," he promised.

I knew better than to believe him. Convincing myself I could handle a temporary move, I agreed to throw myself into yet another uncomfortable situation.

Meanwhile, the demands at work began to increase. The ongoing construction project at my hospital was moving on to the next phase which meant that my co-workers and I had to figure out a plan to make the transition easier. Plus we had to physically relocate items. More moving!!!

But it didn't stop there. One of my colleagues resigned from her position leaving another colleague and I to pick up the pieces. What a mess! Our work essentially DOUBLED in a span of two weeks. I've been working many 12 hour days, dreaming of work at night, cancelling sessions with my personal trainer, and overall, feeling pretty darn stressed.

Someone talk me off the ledge...

What to do, what to do... I'm sitting in Starbucks trying to pour out my feelings in a post and give myself some kind of release.

Let it all out, Marj...

My job involves a lot of problem solving, but somehow I can't seem to do it for myself. I know that I need something in my personal life that will pull me away from work. I need more play time!

What is the solution? A boyfriend??? A dog??? A new hobby??? What can I commit myself to that will actually pull me away from work? Isn't it sad that my personal well-being isn't enough?

Somehow I actually feel guilty about leaving on time because I am single and have no commitments - no kids, no significant other, no pets. I have plants, but I can't say "Oh, I've got to run because Betty the Jasmine plant is waiting for me."

OK, what's the plan?

The way I see it, I need to find something other than work that I will commit myself to, plus I need to be better at self-care.

Nurse heal thyself!!!

So let's see... Here are some ideas to help me leave work at a decent time:

-Adopt a dog - or find one I can borrow on a regular basis
-Sign up for a class or two- Spanish, Photography, Dance, Yoga --- SOMETHING
-Join the church guitar/singing group (of course, this would require me actually going to church - not a bad thing)
-Try online dating again (Meh. I don't really like this idea...)

Well, at least now I feel like I am getting back on the right track. Time to change my priorities and put myself first.

Let's see how I do on this little project.

Fun Facts About Stockholm, Sweden

2011-06-20T22:12:00.000-05:00

Whenever I go on vacation, I love to explore and jot down some of my observations about the local culture. Some of these things may or may not have any real significance, but it was a fun exercise to create this list.

MARJI'S FUN FACTS ABOUT STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN
o Good looking people EVERYWHERE! I'm not sure why this is. (Note to self: Need to consider finding myself a Swedish guy!)
o Awesome chocolate - easy access - available in the regular grocery store
o Summer drink of choice - Rose (a.k.a. blush wine)
o Tiny roads = tiny cars. SUVs are rare; pick up trucks even more so (in the city)
o English speakers = safe for Americans
o Do not look for Polar Bears (so embarrassing that Americans have asked my Swedish friends about this)
o Pigeons - they are everywhere and the city Swedes hate them as much as Chicagoans do
o Drinking age is 18 at restaurants
o Pedestrians have the right of way ALWAYS
o Cyclists must get off bike at crosswalk or they do not have the right of way!
o Bilar (candy) comes in two different sizes (for original flavor)
o In June, the sun doesn't set until 10:00pm. (Note to self: look at WATCH for time NOT the position of the sun)
o Gas is approximately $10 per gallon. Take public transportation when possible.
o National team football matches are calm compared to when the city teams play (i.e. Stockholm AIK)
o Wear comfortable shoes or at least bring some in your purse! Not all roads are smooth and you do a lot of walking.
o Outdoor restaurants/beer gardens have blankets available for patrons for evening temperature drops.
o Newly graduated high school students rent trucks (like dump trucks) and have a mobile party, blasting music and drinking beer while cruising through the city
o Little boys - just like in the U.S. - don't pay attention to the traffic when riding their bikes (INTERNATIONAL PROBLEM!)
o Most common name for a man: JOHAN (I met 6 Johans in 4 days)
o Very easy to shop here! You just need a credit card.
o Stockholm has many cultures, just like in the U.S. Not everyone is tall, blonde, and blue-eyed.
o New favorite dessert: DELICATO CHOCOLATE BALL (available at IKEA)
o There are 4 strengths of beer. The one that is most like the U.S. is medium strength.
o Happy Hour is called "After Work."
o School and healthcare are "free", but the government takes almost HALF your salary. Ouch.
o Obesity is not a national problem like in the U.S.
o There are two different mailboxes: one for local mail, one for outside of the town
o There are no elephants in Sweden (private joke)

I'm sure I could add more to the list. I really enjoyed my visit and wish I could have stayed longer. Pray that I get another chance to head to Sverige soon!

Love and Chocolate: My Trip to Sweden 2011

2011-06-19T20:29:00.002-05:00

It has been one week since I returned from my trip to Sweden to visit one of my best friends and to celebrate my birthday. Frankly, I'm going through what a couple of my friends and I call "Post Stockholm Depression."

The trip was wonderful from start to finish. Here are some trip highlights...

FRIDAY, JUNE 3RD
Flight left at 4:45pm. I slept MOST of the way. I don't remember anything from the plane except for a guy who had trouble breathing. Sounded like he had COPD. Yikes!

SATURDAY, JUNE 4TH
Arrived in Stockholm at 7:30am. Weather was perfect --- upper 70's/lower 80's Fahrenheit. Emily picked me up and we dropped off my stuff at her apartment. Walked around the island, KUNGSHOLMEN, where Emily lives. Needed to get ready for the evening's festivities, but first stopped and shopped at H & M (there's one on every corner!). Attended dinner at Vapiano and then the SUMMERBURST MUSIC FESTIVAL with Emily and her clients. Drank a lot of "blush wine" also know as Rose (with the little accent on the "e"). Hung out with fun people who sang a traditional birthday song for me in SWEDISH (without my friend coordinating this - they're so nice!). Saw headliner David Guetta and danced with new friends Susanna, Michaela, and Hamid in a crowded of screaming and singing fans. Anders, one of the funniest Swedes I have ever met, attempted to tutor me in the Swedish language. After a deep but drunken conversation with one of the youngest guys in the group, he called me his "soulmate." What an ego boost, but I could be his mother! Later, I temporarily lost my friend Emily, but did not panic and instead enjoyed some frosty bevvies with British expat, Adam. Had a lovely conversation with a cab driver who just laughed at me and said I was "cute."

SUNDAY, JUNE 5TH
Layed low because Emily was feeling under the weather. We sunbathed on the dock outside her apartment building overlooking Lake Malaren. Enjoyed lunch at Piren (bacon burger and chocolate truffle - to die for!). Snacked on my favorite non-chocolate Swedish candy called BILAR (means "cars" in Swedish). Watched "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Casablanca." Great movies.

MONDAY, JUNE 6TH
Slept in until 9:30am. Emily's room is like a cave, so I caught up on my sleep! Had lunch at the apartment and then took the train (Tunnelbana) downtown. Met Emily's friend David for a site-seeing tour called "Under the Bridges." Stockholm is made up of many islands, therefore, they have a lot of bridges. Took a lot of photos. Dined at Zanzibar in Norrmalmstorg, one of the most expensive stops in Swedish Monopoly. David dropped us off at home and then we drove to see Emily's friend Johan who lives in Skurusundet. You have to walk down a steep dirt path, pass wildflowers, then down some stairs made from stones implanted in the side of a hill. The house is small but quaint overlooking the sea. Simply breathtaking! It's perfect for summer living, but winter would probably not be so nice... I met more friends of Emily. Everyone is so nice!

TUESDAY, JUNE 7TH
Sunbathed on the dock outside of Emily's building. Later enjoyed a traditional Swedish dinner with Emily and some of her clients. Sampled the fish and actually liked it. Watched a real football match --- Finland vs. Sweden, European Cup match. Sweden won 5-0. Ended up at a nice outdoor bar called Garden (the "a" has a little "o" above it, pronounced GOR-din). Had a nice cultural discussion with Johan (not the one from yesterday), Lars, and Karl.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8TH
Serious QT - Quality Time - with Emily. We both needed it. Later in the afternoon, we drove through Old Town (aka "Gamla Stan"), then had a late lunch at Herman's, a vegetarian restaurant, on "the south island." I recommend the Belgium Chocolate Cake. Walked around the south island, took lots of pictures, then stopped by the grocery. Dinner and a movie at Emily's apartment.

THURSDAY, JUNE 9TH
Emily had to work so I ventured downtown alone. Took the tunnelbana from Kristineberg, transferred at T-Centralen onto the Red Line, then got off at Karlaplan and walked to the Vasa Museum. No problem! Shot a lot of pics, of course. Walked around and then found a shopping mall where I did some damage in the first 10 minutes I was there. Discovered a great shop called INDISKA. Took the tunnelbana back to Emily's place. We picked up her friend Jenny to do some hiking on another island. It was absolutely beautiful! Blueberry and lingonberry bushes everywhere. I broke in my new Merrell hiking boots. They were brilliant. Went back home, made dinner, and elevated my aching Achilles.

FRIDAY, JUNE 10TH
Sunbathed on the dock for few hours while Emily had to work. Got a serious tan. Yes, IN STOCKHOLM! Later, happy hour (aka "After Work") at Josefina's, a fancy Miami-esque bar close to the Vasa Museum. We took the tunnelbana. Emily was on the phone and was not paying attention to the train we got on at our transfer point. I tried to tell her, but she just said "Come on!" When she realized what she did, she laughed that I knew where we were going. I didn't say anything because this is HER city. Met more wonderful people at Josefina's. Everyone is soooooo polite in Sweden. Beer was strong and expensive so I had to watch it. Dinner at Vapiano's with Emily, Malin, and Kajsa. Yum.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11TH
Last full day in Sweden. Walked around Gamla Stan ("Old Town") with Emily and bought souvenirs for my family and friends. Later, we met up with Malin. Enjoyed pear ice cream for the first time. Delicious! Took a lot of pictures. Had a traditional dinner of Swedish meatballs, lingonberries, and mashed potatoes at a quaint restaurant. Can't remember the name of it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12TH
Woke up early, packed up the car, and was dropped off by Emily at the airport. Sadness quickly set in. Bought 20 king size bars of Marabou chocolate and one box of Bilar at the Duty Free Shop. The checkout clerk thought I was crazy. I don't think she knows how good this chocolate is! Uneventful flight back home... Arrived in Chicago at 12:00pm. Cab delivered me to my apartment by 12:45pm. Back to reality.

So that's the high level overview of my trip - short and sweet. Some post-trip thoughts will be coming soon...

One week was DEFINITELY not enough time for bonding with one of my best friends in a great city like Stockholm. This City Girl can definitely see herself living there - at least for a little while! I know the chances are pretty slim of me moving over there, but you never know. Life is funny... Just when you think you know what direction you're heading, the path changes.

To Emily and my new friends in Stockholm, tack sa mycket!

P.S. I'm going to learn how to add Swedish letters on my keyboard. Stay tuned! :)

Travel Mode

2011-06-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Stockholm, Sweden! I am on vacation visiting one of my best friends, Swedish Emily. No blogging while I'm here, but I will definitely post pics once I get back. Stay tuned...

City Living for a College Kid - Part II

2011-05-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

Over the long weekend, I had some time to think of more juicy pieces of advice to add to my list for my college bound god-daughter.

TIPS FOR LIVING IN THE CITY FOR A COLLEGE KID (CONTINUED)

#7) Do not pick a fight with anyone; you just don't what evil lies under their seemingly benign exterior. It doesn't matter if you played high school rugby and you're built like a mini-linebacker. Don't do it. It might be OK in small town Wisconsin, but NOT in the big bad city.

#8) Eat according to your budget. Put your foodie cravings to the side and welcome Ramen noodles and plain pasta with butter and parmesan to the menu. Chicago has many hidden gems for those on a budget. Yelp's lists are a great reference. T, when you can't take anymore, I can pick you up and cook you a meal or take you out for dinner. This cannot be EVERY other night though!

#9) If you want to have a bike in the city, you need to understand one thing: like many big cities, Chicago has a bike theft ring. I have been the victim THREE times over the course of living in the city. So take heed of the following... First you need to buy a used bike. Second, you need to learn how to lock up your bike. Sure it's the pain the arse, but it's better to be safe then to be a schmuck. And don't forget to wear a bike helmet. Your god-mother AND your mother have seen enough head traumas come through the operating room doors. Scrambled brains are not pretty.

#10) If you start hearing your mother's voice in your head when you are thinking about doing something risky, then DON'T DO IT. When I figured out how to get to the Magnificent Mile and I saw all those lovely shiny goods in the window, I heard my father's voice. "Do you want it or do you NEED it???" Awwww, man! Total buzzkill. Trust me, there will be plenty of temptations especially when you're feeling the energy of the big city. Use your head!

I am really looking forward to having T in the city close to me; however, the reality is that we are both going to be very busy. Hopefully, "busy" for her will mean that she stays out of trouble. We'll see...

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T08:40:00.001-05:00

As I was catching up on my social network this morning, I noticed that one of my college buddies posted names of people in his family who served in military. I stopped to think of who I know personally who has served or is serving. The list is short, but just as significant.

Andy Vultaggio (uncle, Korean War vet, may he rest in peace)
Van Berry (friend and "big brother", served in Iraq twice)
Bob Skelton (former soccer teammate, served in Iraq)
Melanie McDonald (swing dancer and fellow nurse)
Alex Cermak (friend's son who is now in basic training)

Thanks, y'all!

And to the men and women that I don't know... THANK YOU!!!

You all make me proud to be AMERICAN!

Sunday Night Thoughts

2011-05-29T23:44:00.000-05:00

Tonight I hung out with a relatively new girlfriend. When Jane called me a few days ago, I thought that it was nice that she reached out and wanted to connect. After all, it's tough to find women friends. I'm not sure why, but that's the reality of life as I know it. Anyway, we went out for dinner at a local establishment.

Our conversation flowed with hardly a pause. It was nice, but... Well, the only topic I did not find particularly enjoyable was about being single. This seemed to be woven throughout our dialogue. Now, I'm not one to obsess about my current dating situation (which is dormant), but tonight I felt like I was forced to scrutinize it. I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me because I didn't have any prospects and she was the dating queen.

Jane was dating multiple men, but no one that really captured her heart. She informed me about three proposals of marriage over the last year. Obviously, she didn't accept any of them. My interpretation was that she wanted to show me that she was a woman of worth - desired by many, but deserved by few.

I tried my best to stave off feelings of inadequacy. Ah, a demon that every woman fights! Where is my mental Lara Croft when I need her???

My self-image is normally intact, but lately I've been somewhat vulnerable. My birthday is rapidly approaching and I've had to come to terms with where I am physically. But never mind...

Jane confessed that she was tired of being alone.

"I understand how you feel," I said.

And I did, but I'm the girl who talks herself out of thinking about it too much.

Despite my ability to empathize, I struggled with discussing my non-existent dating life. It was so, uh, personal. Perhaps I'm not ready to show my vulnerability at this time. Currently, work depletes the energy that I would put into looking for love.

But doesn't love find us?

I'm just wondering...

Perhaps tonight I will meditate on what my approach will be to finding love. I'm not sure if I'll be productive, but I do know one thing... It's not going to be about how many guys I can date, it's about not settling for anyone less than I deserve.

Song for a Single Girl

2011-05-27T23:18:00.000-05:00

This isn't a chart topper, but it's kinda catchy and kinda funny. Makes me wanna pick up my guitar and start writing my own version. The idea makes me very happy. Don't get too excited though... You WON'T see me on YouTube!

City Living for a College Kid - Part I

2011-05-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

My god-daughter T turned 18 today. I can hardly believe that she is all grown up and ready to graduate from high school! How time flies when you're busy living.

This fall she will be a freshman in college not too far away from me at Loyola University. Understanding that she grew up in Wisconsin, I of course, started worrying if she was ready for a big city existence. So I came up with a list...

TIPS FOR LIVING IN CHICAGO FOR A COLLEGE KID

#1) Learn the turf gradually. Start with your college campus. Eventually, you'll be ready to go off campus (i.e. my apartment). Start with viewing Google Maps and consult the CTA Trip Planner.

#2) Be aware of your surroundings. When you're on the el, take a good look at the people in your car. You never know what weirdo could be checking you out, ready to pounce. Seriously. Don't get sucked into texting or reading Facebook on your SmartPhone. Look up every now and then!

#3) Always carry an emergency $20 in your pocket. This is one of the best pieces of advice my dad gave me when I went to school in the city. I once took the el (with no clue about the lines) and got off at a stop where there were some unsavory individuals. Luckily a kindly old cab driver - very Bill Cosby-like - came to my rescue and lectured me all the way back to school. I'm serious when I say that an angel was watching over me!

#4) Do not travel alone after 9pm. Campus Security can escort you across campus. Make sure your friends are with you when you leave an event. There is truth to the saying that there is safety in numbers.

#5) If you plan on being a frequent rider of public transportation, spray a bit of perfume on your hand. This is helpful when you are sitting next to someone who smells ripe for the pickin'. Pretend to rub your nose and take a good whiff of your favorite aroma.

#6) Wear comfortable shoes. You will be doing a lot of walking. WALKING. LOTS OF IT. Remember this.

This is what I've come up with so far. Stay tuned for updates...

What's Going On???

2011-05-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

Lately, it seems like I'm drowning in bad news.

Is it me? Or does anyone else feel this way?

When you turn on the news, it's mostly bad. There are a few cutsie-pie or heartwarming stories thrown in just for good measure, but for the most part the world is looking pretty grim.

On top of it all, I've got challenges of my own to face. Work, which takes up most of my time, is extremely stressful. Today I was pulled into a meeting after normal hours to hear about upcoming challenges that my team must face. Trying to find the sunny side of things was tough for even the cheeriest of us.

Calgon, take me a way!!!

Stress management. Hmmm... Now how do I do this?

When I left work, I really wanted to go to the gym or go out for a long walk outside; unfortunately, there's the little thing called my Achilles tendon that has been causing some pain.

OK, time for Plan B.

What is Plan B?

Well, the first thing is to avoid television altogether. Even if I don't turn on the news, there are newsbreaks that infiltrate the brainless entertainment that helps me briefly escape reality.

Eating a good meal helps satiate the hunger that creeps up on me when I stay at work too late.

Listening to music is a good way to gently stimulate my brain and sooth this savage soul. I don't know what it is about a melody that makes me feel so calm, even if it is Angry Chick music.

In order to achieve a somewhat peaceful slumber, I need to put these feelings somewhere... Thank you , Blogger! It might not seem like I'm pouring out my heart, but writing forces me to reflect and actually deal with issues as I seek the words to express myself.

And on that note... Until tomorrow.

The World Ends Today

2011-05-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

Or does it???

There are many believers out there who have been preparing for today as Judgment Day, Rapture, or whatever you want to call it.

Hmmm... Where did they get their information?

I find it hard to believe - as a person of faith - that we are going to get a hint from God on when Judgment Day is coming. If I learned anything from all these years of Catholic education, from Grade One to University, it's that life is unpredictable and we are not privy to His Plan.

So what am I going to do on this day, potentially The End of the World?

Well, I'm going to sip some tea, read some e-mails, and clean up my apartment. And before 6pm Central time (when the Rapture is supposed to start), I'll probably call my parents. :)

Testing

2011-05-20T06:11:00.001-05:00

I recently downloaded the Blogger app to my phone. Not sure how this works, but I'm testing it out right now. With something like this, it's fun to capture my thoughts on the spot instead of waiting until I get home. By the time I've arrived at my apartment, all the genius (ahem) things I want to write leave my mind.

And now to test this out by hitting "publish."

Hiking at Starved Rock State Park

2011-05-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

a.k.a "How I Aggravated An Old Running Injury"

While I think the hike was worth the swelling and pain, the jury is still out on the Half Marathon in August. An ortho doc recommended that I refrain from strenuous exercise for three weeks, ice it, and take anti-inflammatory drugs. We'll see what happens!

Curse you, Achilles!!!

2011-05-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

A little over a week ago, I went out for a run on a beautiful sunny afternoon. That's when the trouble began --- the appearance of an old injury - Achilles tendinitis.

Crap, crap, and double-crap!

Being the stubborn person that I am, I have not rushed to a doctor for diagnosis and treatment. Common sense tells me that I need to stay off of it and rest. Sure I have started taking NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, specifically Naproxen), but I have continued going to the gym, training with my trainer, and I even went hiking yesterday.

Hiking, although a lot of fun, was not the smartest thing to do. By the end of the excursion, my Achilles was in dire need of drugs, icing, and elevation. This is how I spent my Saturday evening.

Needless to say, it's time for me to face the music, be honest with myself, and consider whether or not I should train for and run a half marathon in August. As knowledgeable as I am, I will do the smart thing and make an appointment with one of the orthopedic surgeons at work for a professional opinion.

Keep your fingers crossed that I get a green light!

My Friend - The Next Food Network Star?

2011-05-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

A childhood friend of mine has a chance to be The Next Food Network Star. Watch her video and you'll see her bubbly personality shine through. Although this season's show doesn't start until June, there is pre-show voting going on. The winner gets their own web-based show. Please vote for my friend! Thanks...

Early Rising

2011-05-04T21:13:00.000-05:00

At 4:00 AM, Monday thru Friday, my alarm goes off. I realize this is insane, but I am trying to prepare myself for the training regimen that I will begin soon. Becoming more accustomed to rising early is party of my strategy.

The only thing that will make the early rising more successful is going to bed at a decent hour. If I do the math, calculating that I need 6-7 hours of sleep, I need to hit the sack at 9pm for 7 hours or 10pm for 6 hours. Obviously, I'm not doing too well since it is now 9:10pm and I'm still tinkering around my computer.

So 6 hours it is.

Let's see how long I can keep this up... If I'm really ambitious, I'll throw a quick run or some yoga into the mix!

Wedding

2011-04-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

So I guess SOMEONE is getting married tomorrow morning Central Standard Time... I don't want to be a party pooper or poo poo any enthusiast. I just have to say one thing:

That's great but I don't get the obsession.

When all is said and done, I'm not really interested in an event where two people who I don't know get married. Maybe it's because I've stood up in eleven weddings of people whom I do know and love.

I've even become godmother to the offspring of those unions. Yet another reason to throw more parties.

Tell me why I should get up at 4am other than to workout and head to work early?

Half

2011-04-27T21:22:00.001-05:00

I am a workaholic.

Well, at least it seems to be the case these days. My attempts at leaving work at a decent time have been mostly unsuccessful due to the ongoing challenges in my department.

And the working out?

Arrrggghhh. It hasn't been happening outside of my sessions with my trainer. Yes, I'm totally lame.

So I went back to what inspires me --- running for a reason. This time it's only a HALF marathon. I've signed up to run the Chicago Rock N' Roll Half Marathon on August 14, 2011 for the American Cancer Society (DetermiNation). Training starts at the end of May or beginning of June.

I'm psyched for the challenge!

Say hello to
....early Saturday morning runs and the delicious breakfast that follows.
....good people who have the same goal - finish the race and raise money for ACS.
....new running gear from Lululemon.
....one of the best stress-relief methods for me.

So here I go... The streets of Chicago are calling!

Maybe I'll see you out there.

It's All In My Head

2011-04-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

Eleven weeks ago I joined the Fit Challenge at the gym. I did it as a way of motivating myself to get to the gym. Although I do workout twice a week with a trainer, I have yet to make a visit more than once outside of my weekly sessions.

Why is it so hard for me to go there beyond meeting my trainer? In other words, what's going on in my head that prevents me from working it into my daily routine? I have no excuse really... The gym is four blocks away and my legs are functioning. I know it's all in my head. But how do I get myself motivated?

Let's face it. I am not a gym rat. To me, it's really boring: the weights, the machines, treadmills, etc. I'm more of an outdoor kind of gal. If the weather was a tad warmer, I would be on my bike. (That's coming soon, thank God!)

I have a few strategies to make my membership worthwhile. First, I'm going to try taking a class - yoga, zumba, whatever. Secondly, I have friends who belong to my gym. One of my friends was telling me about a spin class. Good. And she is a coworker. That's even better. She can remind me not to work the crazy overtime that I tend to work.

My job seems to influence my self-care, which is what exercise and eating right fall under. If I let myself stay late at work, I come home tired and crash on the couch. When I work a lot of overtime, my stress increases and therefore my craving for comfort food goes up as well.

So for better health, the solution is obvious --- limit the amount of time I spend at work.

Oh boy... This is gonna be hard.

I am the daughter of a hardworking woman. Hardworking women run in my family. This is something that I'm not sure I can turn off. And yes, working hard translates into long hours.

I need to think about this a little more. By next Monday, I'll have a plan for my new approach to work. We'll see how it goes.

Baby steps, right?

Still Figuring Things Out

2011-04-09T21:09:00.001-05:00

I was hoping by the time I reached my forties I would have everything figured out.

Ha!!!

Even after my life experience, the tragedies and triumphs, I still have moments where I scratch my head and think, "Where do I go from here?"

Don't get me wrong... Overall, everything is good. Honestly, I can't complain. It's just that, while I can see my career progress, my personal life feels like it's at a standstill.

Really, I'm not complaining... Just wondering.

I always thought that at this point I would have a family --- marriage, children. Well, apparently, that is not my Destiny - at least not right now - or ever? Who knows.

Now I have to repaint the picture I imagined as a youth. What will it look like? What colors shall I choose?

Well, no matter what comes of such contemplation, I know that I am a lucky woman. However my masterpiece is reconfigured, somewhere in the landscape will always be my family and friends.

Where does the time go?

2011-04-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

This is the thought that crosses my mind throughout the day. I start my day running and end it when I crawl through the door. There is mess on my dining room table and on my bedroom floor.

On one hand, I would like to clean this up. On the other, I just want to lay on my couch and relax. I'm conflicted!

I think the couch is going to win tonight...

Moving Along

2011-03-26T09:45:00.000-05:00

If I had to pick one word to describe my week, it would be CRAPPY. It just felt like no matter how hard I tried to be positive and put my best foot forward, I would always end up stepping in poop.

Last night, my goal was to release the burden of my week and rejuvenate myself. So I took the following steps when I arrived home at 4:30pm:

1) Change into pajamas
2) Put my phone on vibrate and hid it in my purse
3) Lay on the couch and turn on brainless TV (not the news)
4) Nap for two hours
5) Wake up and make a healthy dinner
6) Get back on the couch and veg
7) Fall asleep again (not on purpose)
8) Get up and crawl into bed

And now this morning, I am continuing along the same lines...

1) Slept in
2) Woke up and turned on some Jazz
3) Made breakfast
4) Now catching up on blog reading/writing while enjoy a Cup o' Joe

I've happily released myself from the burden of my week and have moved along to a more positive frame of mind.

Now if only I could find an after work routine that would help me so I wouldn't have to wait until the weekend!

Being A Single Gal of a Certain Age: An Analogy

2011-03-23T22:36:00.000-05:00

I am on a lovely small sailboat in the middle of a calm blue sea. After some rough travel, my sails are down and I have dropped anchor. At the moment, I happily float.

After a few hours of enjoying the respite, I realize that I am all alone. A harsh awakening!

I jump to my feet and search the perimeter and beyond for signs of life. Even the waters below seem empty.

"Hello... Is anyone out there?" I call.

No answer.

I call out once more.

Nothing.

Sigh.

Although I take pleasure in solitude, I think how wonderful it would be to have a companion on this seaward adventure. With no sign of life on the surface, I contemplate casting my net into the seemingly infinite blue sea.

What are the chances of catching a mer-man to join me in my journey?

Wait! Don't tell me...

SLIM TO NONE.

I cast my net anyway and wait.

Chop

2011-03-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

Five inches.

I got my hair cut and colored today and five inches were chopped off. I can't remember the last time my hair was this short! I've had surfer girl hair for the last five years and now it falls just below my shoulders.

All morning I was a nervous wreck at the thought of scissors slicing through my shiny black mane. I know I'm not Samson, but I felt like there was something about having long hair that made me feel stronger. Perhaps I'm more like Linus with a security blanket... Me with my security hair! The only thing that comforted me was the thought that the architect of my new hairstyle would be my long-time stylist Andrea.

When I arrived at the salon after work, I didn't have a plan. I knew that I wanted to shorten the length, but how short I didn't know. Color? Yes, definitely, except I had no idea whether to stay dark or go lighter.

Everything came into focus within 10 minutes of talking to Andrea. This is why I have stuck with her for the last 10 years! She can sift through my restlessness and identity crisis. I admitted to being bored with my style. When I was younger I had a little more edge. Time to get that back - at least a little bit! Andrea also understands one major constraint in picking a style ---- my job affects my hairstyle choice since I wear surgical caps five days a week. There goes the spikey hair option! In the end, I was happy with how it turned out. Just enough bold and daring, but still professional.

I feel like a new person... More incentive to keep moving forward on my self-improvement!

Now to increase my workouts...

Praying for the Japanese People

2011-03-12T14:06:00.000-06:00

Thoughts and prayers to go out to the people of Japan.

To donate to the Red Cross relief efforts, please go their website. Any amount will help!!!

Zone Defense

2011-03-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time at my gym in an effort become a more fit individual. I can't say this is the best facility that I've been a member, but it is probably the most convenient. It's only four blocks away from my apartment, plus the cost is just a little over half of what I used to pay for a schwanky surburban fitness center.

This gym is REALLY popular. Around 6pm (my regularly scheduled time with my trainer on Mondays and Wednesdays), people are in line waiting for classes and treadmills! Good grief. I'm not sure what the draw is... Anyway, the funny thing is these same people come back night after night (at least on Mondays and Wednesdays) at the SAME TIME. I guess you could call them committed. Or maybe they should be committed? Hmmmm...

During this time, I've run into familiar faces. Every now and then I see a female co-worker. I've encountered sales reps with whom I work (awkward!). Once I bumped into my very tall Polish volleyball player friend, who I hadn't seen in ages. He leaned over and kissed me 'Hello' like they do in Europe - a pleasant surprise.

Every now and then I notice different guys looking and hanging around while I'm working out, but they are typically stalkers of my trainer Lady V. The other day, I became acutely aware that someone kept passing by and looking at ME. Really? I don't think I'm anything to look at when I'm working out.

As I pretended to be oblivious, I sneaked a glance or two between reps on the pull up bar.

Hmmmm... He looks really familiar.

Turns out to be a guy I dated in 2003 or 2004 - Mr. E. We were together for only a short time. So brief that I wouldn't exactly call him an "ex." In any case, he looked the same. He was decent looking, but that wasn't the problem - we just were not a match. In retrospect, he was a little odd. I can't put my finger on it.

So Mr. E is a member of my gym... I didn't stop to talk to him since I was in the middle of training. That and I wanted to avoid him like the plague. The last time I saw him, things were weird.

Do I feel like I need to make them right? Nahhhhhh...

Do I want to socialize with him? Nahhhhhh...

I'm happy to leave him in my past.

After that near encounter, I am more aware of my surroundings at the gym. It's not that I don't want to talk to anyone. But in a selfish way, it's my "me time" - I'm working out and I don't want to talk to anyone - especially a former boyfriend or so-called friend. Sounds bad, but there's only one purpose for me to be at the gym and it's called exercise.

The solution? Zone Defense - or more like Zoning Out as Defense. Just keep the headphones on full blast and focus on the workout. The rest will eventually fade into the background.

Fit Challenge: Post Week #5 Thoughts

2011-03-06T11:02:00.001-06:00

Since I joined the Fit Challenge at my gym, I've been watching the Biggest Loser on TV. It's one of the few reality shows that I feel is based on reality. Each week I am inspired by the progress of the participants. I know I can't compare myself to them since I'm overweight but nowhere near morbidly obese. It's tougher for me to drop the weight and I have to remind myself that I'm not as far as they are to my ideal weight.

Although winning this Fit Challenge is based on weight loss, for now I need to use other factors to gauge my progress. It's less frustrating that way.

CLOTHING
The MTF (a.k.a. "Muffin Top Factor") has decreased significantly. I'm not quite back into my Marathon jeans (I was tiny when I was training for the 2006 Chicago Marathon), but at least the fit of my current wardrobe has improved, albeit ever so slightly.

ENERGY LEVEL
Energy-wise, I feel that the change in diet and exercise has increased my productivity and motivation. The more fruits, and veggies I consume, the lighter I feel.

MENTAL HEALTH
I have also seen mental improvements. Clear thinking comes from taking care of yourself. I know that's a big "DUH!" but seriously... How many of us look to junk food to comfort us in times of stress? As we trying to problem-solve, we consume the things we shouldn't just to feel better. Cloudy thinking and lethargy is the result. I do my best problem solving while I'm exercising. It must be all that oxygen going to my brain!

Although I'm seeing these little improvements, I still have some obstacles to overcome. The main one is STRESS.

My abdominal area is where I hold most of my fat. It's not easy for me to lose inches here. Diet and exercise aren't the only things that impact how much I carry around the middle.

It is a well-known fact that STRESS increases cortisol production which results in an increase in fat around the abdomen. And guess what --- I have a pretty stressful job.

Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my job. I thrive on my daily challenges. It's just that sometimes things can really get to me. That's what happens when you put your heart into your work and have Type A tendencies.

Unfortunately (or fortunately - depending on how you look at it), this is the way I have always been. The only answer is to control the stress through exercise and doing things that I love OUTSIDE of work, such as writing/blogging, photography, and spending time with family and friends. I've been telling myself that I need to do this, but because it's not officially scheduled into my day, it is easy for me to allow work to take over that time.

This is NOT good.

One of the things I have thought of that would help me is adopting a dog. First of all, having a companion is very healthy. Studies have shown that there are benefits to pet ownership. Plus, I've wanted one since I was a little girl.

Secondly, this responsibility would force me to leave work at a decent time. No more 10 hour or 12 hour days. I can't say, "Well, there's no one waiting for me at home, so I can stay late." Yes, I know having a dog is like having a child. That's OK with me. Maybe it would be good practice for what will hopefully be my future.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, so it could be happening soon (after the snow melts). Stay tuned!

In the meantime, I might just have to physically schedule time for myself on my calendar and try sticking with it.

When Someone "Gets" You

2011-03-03T20:31:00.001-06:00

Today I spent the day with one of my best friends, Svenska Flicka. She had a five hour layover in Chicago on her way back home to Sweden after a ski vacation in Utah. As luck would have it, I was able to get the day off.

For four wonderful hours we hung out, laughed, had lunch, and even got in a little shopping. I loved every second of it!

During our brief time together, I felt VERY relaxed. It was as if I could really be myself --- no judgment. I could actually BREATHE! It had been such a long time since I was around someone that truly understood ME. When I would start explaining myself, she would complete the thought. Crazy but true!

Could she read my mind?

Although we are not EXACTLY alike, Svenska and I are on the same page when it comes to so many things. The familiar feeling of being around a quality friend like her - a friend who really "gets" me - provided great comfort. Such a rare gift in this world...

I counted her as one of my blessings.

When the time came to drop Svenska Flicka off at O'Hare, the idea that I would once again be without a bird of a feather in close proximity weighed on me.

'Let it go, Marjorie,' I scolded. 'You're lucky to have SOMEONE in the world that gets you - never mind that they are in a different city, different country.'

That's true...

Actually, I'm lucky enough to have at least two more in this world. But anyway...

Svenksa and I said our "goodbyes," although it was more like a "see you later." I'm traveling to Stockholm at the beginning of the summer for a week-long visit. I can't wait!

Looking back on our day together, I remind myself that I do have plenty of friends in Chicago. They are just different "types." These are wonderful people with whom I share one or two commonalities. I have friends with whom I share a love of wine, sports, cooking, music, or dance. My friendships also fall under the categories of work, childhood, high school, college, etc.

This is all well and good, but as many will attest, there is nothing like having someone in this world who loves you for who you are and expects you only to be yourself.

Now if I can only find the man who feels this way about me as a friend --- and more...

My Preference Card

2011-03-01T21:30:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was catching up on some blog reading and came across a post that struck a chord. It was on The Happiness Project blog where Gretchen Rubin writes about a surgeon's "preference card", something which I am all too familiar as an Operating Room Nurse.

For every procedure that they perform, a surgeon has a detailed list of what they want to use - from instrumentation to equipment to how a patient is positioned to the temperature of the room. Yes, all this is on the "card." It helps the surgical team be as prepared as possible to provide the best and safest patient care.

So how about self-care? Gretchen's words inspired me to think about the things that I need to care for myself by building my own "preference card."

Hmmmm...

What do I need???

Some question, huh? It's tough for me to answer without putting a qualifier in there like - "if it's not to much trouble." Is it because I'm female? I don't know.

Marjorie prefers rising early to the smell of freshly brewed hazelnut coffee.
Marjorie prefers listening to music or NPR instead of watching the Boob Tube.
Marjorie prefers connecting with good friends in person instead of via Facebook.
Marjorie prefers the company of people who have a positive attitude and a good sense of humor instead of Energy Vampires.
Marjorie prefers silly humor instead of sarcasm which really is more insulting than funny.
Marjorie prefers SmartWool socks and hiking boots in the winter and polished toes and Tevas in the summer.
Marjorie prefers one or two delicious glasses of wine to a night of binge drinking.
Marjorie prefers dancing for hours instead of working out at a gym.
Marjorie prefers chocolate --- anytime.

That's it so far... I'll keep working on it.

What's on YOUR Preference Card?

Reaching Out

2011-02-27T20:10:00.000-06:00

"There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them." ~ Mother Teresa

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A few hours ago, I noticed that a high school friend posted a Note on Facebook. The title was "Goodbye Everyone - I Love You." Immediately, my heart started pounding.

Is this what I think it is?

I clicked on the link and unfortunately, as I had suspected, it was a suicide letter. This Note was a heart-wrenching resignation to what sounds like an overwhelmingly sad state of affairs. Pain, regret, sadness, but through all that, love. Her husband, apparently, had a similar letter posted on his page.

This Facebook friend is someone I haven't seen in years. This girl and I had a few classes together and we got along just fine - but we were not close. Honestly, aside from being high school classmates, we are strangers. What I know of her life is basically from our connection over the internet.

Yet, I want to reach out to her.

I want to tell her that this isn't this the answer... That there are people who are willing to step up and lend a hand, an ear, their hearts - myself included.

Many of us have posted messages on her Facebook page. A few of us have been trading messages frantically trying to figure out what we can do. The police have been called, but there has been no update.

Is it too late to reach them??? I don't know.

This situation has rattled me. I've been there where it feels like it would be easier if life was over. But then through the darkness, the light that I found, aside from my faith in God, was the love of family and friends. Without them, I would have drowned in an ocean of despair.

After reading this note, I wondered if someone else I know is feeling this way. I want to reach out. I want to tell them that they are not alone. That help is out there if they ask for it. That there are people, like me, who give a crap whether they exist or not.

I suppose it is up to me to make sure that the people in my life know that I love them. Would that knowledge make a positive impact on them? I hope so.

Please, D, don't give up...

Fit Challenge - Week 4: Progress?

2011-02-23T21:49:00.000-06:00

X I am eating healthier, which makes me feel better.
X I am working out 3-4 days per week, which makes me feel better.
X My "muffin top" seems to have shrunk and my body is "tightening up" a bit, which DEFINITELY makes me feel better!

Weight loss?

Four teeny pounds - depending on what time of day you weigh me.

Arrrggghhhh... So frustrating!!!

If I'm going to make the most of the 9 remaining weeks of the Fit Challenge, I need to go back to running. Over the years, this has proven to be the most efficient way for me to trim down.

So starting tomorrow (or maybe Friday), I'm going to figure out how to fit running into my day. Should I hit the gym at 4am just to get a couple of miles in before work? Hmmmm...

Things are about to get very intense SOON!

Live Connection

2011-02-13T10:18:00.000-06:00

The television is on, laptop is open and running, and a smartphone is in your hand. What is wrong with this picture?

If you say, "Nothing," then you might be part of the overstimulated masses who accept this as how life is or should be. I know many people like this - people who would not know what to do, or might become extremely agitated, if they had none of this technology.

Admittedly, out of the three, I am addicted to my laptop. But the one thing I know is that I can live without all three.

A couple of years ago I went on a long weekend hiking trip with my closest girlfriends. They are the outdoorsy athletic type who like to keep moving and don't spend a lot of time on the couch surfing the boob tube.

During our hikes and for most of our activities, I made a conscious decision to keep my Crackberry in the hotel room. At first it was terribly uncomfortable.

What's going on in the rest of the world? I wondered.

As time went on, I cared less and less about my phone and focused on my time with my friends. They live in a different state than me so this time with them, alone with no distractions, was a rare privilege.

Without television, laptop, and smartphone, we basically let our minds be the entertainment. It was wonderful to be reminded how smart, funny, and amazing my friends are. I don't remember being bored, but my abs did hurt from laughing so much.

Communicating via technology is necessary for most of us. However, when it comes to personal relationships, every now and then it's worth it to put those items aside and enjoy a live connection. You friends will appreciate it too. I know I would.

Back to Running?

2011-02-12T19:36:00.000-06:00

This makes me want to run again...

Morning Ramble

2011-02-12T09:35:00.000-06:00

It's a peaceful Saturday morning in my apartment. Hair neatly pulled back, I'm still in my pajamas. I just made myself a Filipino breakfast sans meat - eggs over medium with white sticky rice. Michael Buble is blasting over my living room speakers, coaxing me into relaxation via jazz.

Outside the sun is shining brightly, a nice change from the gray overcast skies that usually blankets Chicago this time of year. I draw the blinds and frown at the presence of snow.

"Oh," I sigh, "it's still there."

As I peer through the window, I see my little car still buried in the snow. I haven't had the energy to dig myself out yet. Maybe I'll put that on the To Do List for today.

Although I live alone, people would be surprised at how much there is on that list. There is no help in maintaining my humble abode, my life. It's just me, myself, and I.

In my solitude, my thoughts are like a colorful moving mass of butterflies. Occasionally, one lands long enough to contemplate and then flies away making room for the next one. They don't arrive in any particular order. The randomness is entertaining.

Perhaps one will stay around long enough for me to write about it. I wonder.

Blizzard

2011-02-02T23:36:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't hear about it, a blizzard hit Chicago. OK, so maybe that's not news, but there are a lot words that been tossed around (read: overused as in "I'm over it") this week.

Snowmaggedon
Snowpocalypse

and finally my favorite...

THUNDERSNOW!!!

Check out this video. If you want to fast forward through it, you can actually see a flash of lightning at 1:09.

It was very confusing last night because typically you don't start hearing thunderstorms in Chicago until April. There was a rumbling in the sky, then a couple of flashes. I rushed to the window expecting to see rain. What I saw was a fury of white. Put it all together and you get Thundersnow!

Now that's over and it's time for a little ice...

Fit Challenge

2011-01-31T22:40:00.000-06:00

I've known for a long time I MUST get back into shape. It's really not a matter of a vanity, although admittedly, looking good is an added bonus to this goal. Health is at the heart of the matter and I've spent a lot of time - especially over the last 6 years that I've been nurse - looking at a lot of unhealthy people.

Encouraged by my trainer, I signed up for my gym's "Fit Challenge." All I have to do is lose the largest percentage of body weight based on my current weight (which, by the way, will remain private). I will say that this is the heaviest I've ever been.

Some friends might say, "No way!" Let's take a closer look... My arms and legs are fairly toned, so if I dress right, you wouldn't know that I am overweight. But put me in a bathing suit and your eyes will go right to my middle. Arrrrgghhh!!!

It's time to do something about this before things go terribly wrong. I have to tackle this before I acquire a preventable disease like heart disease or diabetes.

So here I go on this journey. I will get my health back. And maybe even win some money in the process!

Rediscovering Indy Concerts

2011-01-29T00:10:00.000-06:00

I went to the Guster concert tonight. It brought me back to the days when I went to concerts every other week for bands that were on the rise and not quite mainstream yet. The concert was great except for a few things I discovered or had forgotten and was reminded.

1. I no longer enjoy standing for an entire concert especially when I'm in a forest of much taller people. Yes, I would like to SEE the band and not just hear their music.
2. Drunk people always think that you are the one bumping into them when you are actually the one who is sober. They don't realize that you are the one maintaining your position in one spot while they sway side-to-side. Not only that, you can't explain it to them because they are so drunk that they won't believe you.
3. I remember when random conversations around me were more about what bar to go to after the concert. Now it's a half-hour discussion on the down and dirty details about sexual act preferences. Um, what happened to discretion?
4. In venues like the old Riviera Theatre, the Twenty-Somethings stay on the main floor where everyone stands while the Thirty- and Forty-Somethings migrate to the top where the seats are.
5. And speaking of seats, you have to get there really early to stack out a spot. (I'm sure you already knew that!)

I don't know when I'll be attending another concert. All I know is next time I'll be thinking ahead!

Resolve.

2011-01-03T22:28:00.004-06:00

Welcome to 2011!

While many people came up with New Year's resolutions, I revisited the promises I made to myself on my last birthday (something I do every birthday - a.k.a. "Promises To Myself"). These are more like guidelines to living the life I want as opposed to specific goals like "exercise every day" or "quit drinking beer."

To have fun every day, whether I’m at work or play.
To stay open to love and not to be cynical about it.
That I will stay connected to the people I love and foster those connections.
To eat healthier and stay active without using age as an excuse!
To keep practicing being gentle with myself.
To enjoy every moment and not take one second for granted.

I have to say I'm happy with my list, although I'm don't think I'm close to being where I want to be. Well, it has only been a few days into the New Year... I must admit that I feel pretty good about the road ahead. It's almost as if I traded my hot-off-the-street sunglasses for a fancy pair of authentic Coach shades, complete with designer carrying case. "My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades..."

With a fresh outlook, I know that something is going to be different about 2011.

Stay tuned for the adventure ahead!

Fail. Stop. Think. Start Over.

2010-12-31T08:16:00.000-06:00

I failed miserably in my commitment to write.

Sigh.

Yet another thing that I have let go by the wayside while I allow work to consume my time and energy - even beyond the hospital walls.

I was raised to work hard (thank you, Mom), not to mention my tendencies toward being a perfectionist (first born syndrome?). When I started my job last July, I was excited to tackle the challenges in front of me. And then there I was - overwhelmed by the realization of how much needed to be done.

Now, I'm taking a step back. It's a matter of life and death. Stress kills. I can't push myself every day, because I know - but desperately needed to be reminded - that the work will be there tomorrow. It's going to take patience and baby steps to make progress.

I need to take care of ME.

I know this. Everyone knows this. But why do we do this to ourselves? We push and push and then it's not until something happens that we are shaken out of this hypnotic state. Someone close to us passes away and then we have to face our own mortality. We promise ourselves that we won't forget what's truly important in life.

And then we are hypnotized again.

In 2011, I want to figure out how to stay awake... I don't want to get wrapped up in my job, although nursing is important work. It can't be everything.

So I'm looking forward to beginning. Again.

Happy New Year!!!

Write

2010-12-01T23:58:00.000-06:00

In the Tilt-A-Whirl that is my life, it doesn't surprise me that I have let time slip away without posting something -- anything! I could use the excuse that work was hectic or I was busy preparing for Thanksgiving. The truth is I have a lot to write about, but I have been LAZY. Ugh.

So here it is: my commitment to write something - anything - everyday for December. Hopefully, that will get the ol' juices flowing again and maybe some good stories will come out of it!

Let the writing begin...

Loss

2010-11-21T22:33:00.000-06:00

Bright and early this morning I received some shocking news via text from my dad. It was about the 20 year-old son of one of my friends. He was found dead last night after a concert downtown by one of the city universities. Cause of death is unknown until an autopsy is performed.

Suddenly all the worries I had disappeared. The only thought in my head was that my friend, who I've known since birth, is in pain. Only a few days before Thanksgiving and she has to think about burying her son. I can't even imagine...

My mom called me and asked me to come home for the wake and the funeral. Of course, I told her.

"We need to be there for her," said my mom. I agreed.

I took a deep breath and hung up the phone.

Oh boy... I'm not good at handling this stuff... For all the scary things I see as a nurse in surgery, it's the day-to-day and the aftermath that is a challenge for me. I'm a very sensitive and empathetic soul, so sometimes I can't help myself but adapt the feelings of pain right down to the tears. This is probably why I chose the operating room.

We'll see what the week will bring.

In the meantime, thoughts and prayers go out to my friend and her family...

Lessons in Living +1

2010-11-02T21:58:00.000-05:00

It has been over a month since TK moved in and so far it has been OK. There is, of course, the concern that we will tire of each other with all our similarities and differences. She and I both worry, but I try to brush it off and give her comfort that we are adult enough to handle anything that comes up.

Like many things, I try to see the opportunity to learn in whatever situation I'm in; this time it's having a roommate in my one bedroom apartment after living alone for several years. My big question is "Can I co-exist with someone again?" (I don't count my ex-bf because he never officially moved in, plus he always seemed to have one foot out the door.)

If I'm ever bothered by something someone else does, I remind myself that I can be equally annoying and stubborn. When TK obsesses over Tweets, I know that I can be a total snot when I tell her that I really don't care about Tweets. (Which by the way, is the truth - but I probably don't have to mention that to her.) Equally, I know that she doesn't care about the blogs I read or the most recent TED talk that I watched. She gives me that look that screams "I can't believe that you are such a NERD!!!"

Uh... Trouble ahead?

Probably not. At this point in our lives, we have seen the rise and fall of many relationships - girlfriends, boyfriends, romantic, platonic, familial, etc. It seems like we are taking extra care to stop and take our temperature, if you will, to see if we are at risk for a throwdown.

Respect for each other - check.
Respect for each other's property - check.
Can deal with excessive long hair shedding - check. (Luckily we both have that problem!)
Enough bathroom time? Check. I'm up and out the door before 6am. She rises at 6am - sometimes.
Eating habits? Similar which is bad because we both LOVE food.
Drinking habits? Similar which is dangerous because we can be easily talked into sharing a bottle of wine.
Cleanliness? Same - organized piles.
TV habits? She watches TV every night. Me - occasionally.

After my relationship with T* ended, I dove into solitude. I started isolating myself and lessened my participation in my usual social activities. This summer, slowly but surely, I started coming out of that. And now with my friend TK as a roommate, I almost feel like myself again. This experience reminds me of how much I need to be around people - specifically the people I love --- my family and friends.

I know that when the time comes for her to move out, I'll feel the emptiness of my apartment. By that time, I think I'll be ready for a new addition.

Um, that would be a dog.

In Check

2010-10-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

The last couple of months have been a little crazy. I have discovered that, if I am not careful, I will work until I am utterly and completely worn out. Then I hit the "repeat button" and come back the next day to do the same.

Aaaarrrggghhhhh... Why do I do that???

My guess is that I have let me as nursing professional take the majority share of my identity. Not good!!!

Resolutions have to come early starting with me NOT working more than a 10 hour day. This past pay period I had 115 extra hours (not "overtime" but straight pay since I'm management yet still clinical). Just sickening.

Work was becoming an obstacle to having an existence beyond nursing. And now I am officially putting myself in check.

Hopefully, you'll be seeing more posts from me - less about nursing and more about life beyond work.

City Life Updates...

2010-10-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

The end of my bike to work days is fast approaching. I'm not one of those die-hard riders that likes to the weather the elements. I have the gear, but the desire isn't there. Plus I've been rackin' up the hours at work and nothing spells TRAUMA like wet weather, tired biker, plus crazy drivers. I'd rather not wind up as a patient in my own OR!

* * * * * *

So, it's Fall and I changed over my wardrobe, purged all the ill-fitting, fashion faupaux-ing, totally 90's items in the process, and discovered that my wardrobe is small and P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. Good grief! What happened to me? I used to LOVE fashion?!

Time for a makeover! Stacey and Clinton, where are you???

It's tough to know where to start, so I consulted one of my very put-together friends who, like me, is in a leadership position at work yet very sporty outside of it. It has been YEARS since I had to sport a professional look outside of a hospital. One of her suggestions was to hire a personal shopper, specifically at Nordstrom's.

You might think, "Hey! How much money do you make??? Will you take out a loan?"

Never fear... It's actually FREE!!!

Now I just have to sign up. Hopefully, she/he can pick out some professional looks that are on the sporty/edgy side. Stay tuned on my makeover adventure...

* * * * * *

In the meantime, life at the ol' City Mouse Pad has changed temporarily. I have a new roommate; not Little Cousin K but my old friend Texas Kitty (TK). TK has taken on a new job and therefore has to sell her home in suburban Detroit. Until she can unload the abode, she has taken up residence in my humble one bedroom apartment and has planted herself on my couch. It will be nice to have some company for a while.

TK and I have been friends for almost 12 years, yet we have never lived under the same roof. We have a few things in common - love of soccer, football, and good TexMex, plus we both have strong personalities. A red flag? Hmmmm... I dunno. This will be VERY interesting.

We do have some differences which will definitely make things interesting. She is easily distracted, always on her phone or computer, and may or not pay attention to your stories. I have already decided that I will put myself in check on my tendency to spin long tales with minimal breaths in between paragraphs!

I am praying that we are independent of each other enough so that no one feels their proverbial style is being cramped. My thought is that I'll be working so much we'll be just fine... At least over the next two months, that is.

Stay tuned for the possible drama that could follow...

Hellooooo, Nurse!

2010-09-29T18:52:00.000-05:00

Oh my... I've done it again! Start a new job and there goes the personal life and blog. I have much to share, but alas, not tonight. In the meantime, I'll leave you with this... (love the lyrics, not so much the cartoon!)

NEVER FORGET

2010-09-11T07:49:00.000-05:00

I will never forget waking up that morning and going to my temp job at a structural engineering firm, only to find out that someone had the audacity to attack my country.

I will never forget how everyone in the office huddled around the television in disbelief. Who would have thought that this would EVER happen?

I will never forget taking the subway home, masses of people filling the cars, everyone somber and silent.

I will never forget going home, huddling around the TV with my roommates, and collectively shedding a river of tears.

I will never forget those who were lost and those who mourn them.

I will never forget the heroes who stepped up to help their fellow man.

I will never forget...
I will never forget...
I will never forget...

Productivity and Happiness

2010-08-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Holy time warp!!! The last time I posted something was August 15th and today is the last day of the month! Unbelievable...

Work has been great, but very busy. Slowly but surely it has been taking over my personal time. I'm on a mission to prevent it from taking over completely.

How does one kick butt at work without sacrificing a personal life?

Summer Isn't Over Yet!

2010-08-15T21:20:00.000-05:00

Like an almost empty tube of toothpaste, I am trying to squeeze every bit of fun out of what's left of the summer. Although I have been focusing on my new job during the week, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are the days I try remind myself that there is more to life than work.

HAPPY HOUR
Toasting the good times and venting about the bad...

SPEND TIME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE
This weekend was a visit by my cousin and her daughters!

From Summer 2010

INDULGE IN LIFE'S LITTLE PLEASURES
Introducing them to my favorite rib place...

From Summer 2010

TAKE TIME TO SAVOR THE FLAVOR OF LIFE
Enjoying a cup of coffee and a cupcake from Molly's Cupcakes (Chocolate Decadence) - Yum!

From Sweet Home Chicago

TAKE TIME TO EXPRESS JOY

Dance and sing and run and play...

From Summer 2010

There is more to come...

How about you? What's in store for the rest of your summer?

Adjustment

2010-08-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

My life has been quite the whirlwind of activity since the Brewers Tailgate Party. I am starting my fourth week of the new J-O-B. With each passing day, my work To Do list grows. Not a huge surprise, but it's funny how fast people think you should be on board and ready to fix things. Ummmm... Can I finish orientation first?

One of the best things about my job, aside from the people, is the commute. My bike is happy to be back in action. I have splash guards over my tires for the rain, but I did forget one important tool --- a light waterproof jacket for myself! Doh!

On the grey and wet days, I opt for the train. This isn't a bad thing, because it is an opportunity to see people in my neighborhood that I might not otherwise cross paths. I must say that I live around some really attractive people!!! Most of them are dressed in their business best or business casual. Me, on the other hand, I don a nice t-shirt, shorts, flip-flops, and a messenger bag. Basically, I could be mistaken for a grad student from Loyola. Very comfy... There is a plus for having to wear ugly blue surgical scrubs!

While the train is a shorter ride, I often have to stand and wait for its arrival. Unfortunately, it's not always there when I get to the platform. This is why my next purchase is rain gear so I can ride my bike until the snow comes!

I would love to say that after a hard day's work I come home and exercise, but the truth is that I'm utterly exhausted. Being new again means that I am inundated with information from the time I hear morning report until the end of my day ten hours later. My bike ride home has been the most consistent exercise I've had since I started this job.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's the adjustment phase that I'm in. Life is good. At the end of every day, I am at peace because I finally feel like I'm in role where I have a voice and that I can make a difference.

The Gift of Education

2010-07-22T17:58:00.003-05:00

I consider myself lucky. VERY LUCKY. You see, I had a great education. My parents worked their butts off to send me to Montessori (pre-school), grade school, high school, and university. I had piano lessons, voice lessons, and even karate lessons (those didn't last long though - they hurt too much!). My parents and teachers also took me on various field trips --- the zoo, museums, and historic landmarks.

It was a different time back then, perhaps life was more affordable... I don't know for sure. All I know is that without a great foundation, I would not be where I am today.

Unfortunately, many American children aren't as lucky. Check out Tim Ferriss' post on his blog about the state of our nation's education system and its impact on our kids. To celebrate his birthday, he is asking all of us to donate to this important cause. Check it out and make a pledge.

It's one way to pay it forward...

Make it your good deed for today!

(Thanksgiving Thursday #18)

Groundhog Day

2010-07-21T20:43:00.000-05:00

Three days into my new job and it seems like I have heard the same schpiel before - hospital orientation. Ah yes, it was only earlier this year at another location... It felt like a lifetime ago!

Anyway, I must go through the motions once again, but no worries. I am enjoying the opportunity to meet new associates in other departments as well as get acclimated to my surroundings. So far I can find my way to the Surgery Department front desk, the hospital Education department, and most importantly, locate sustenance (the cafeteria!). Hurray!

Negative Nellies have already throw out their two cents about "drinking the company Kool-Aid." Honestly, I don't understand people like that. If a company is touting a value like providing the best possible care we can to our patients, then what is wrong with buying into that? What is so wrong with striving for excellence? I have always put 110% into all my jobs whether in business or as a nurse. Forget the company Kool-Aid... I'm glad this organization's values are aligned with mine!

There are only two more days left for general nursing orientation. Next week is when the fun begins --- in the surgery department. I can't wait!

Lilith Fair 2010

2010-07-20T21:38:00.002-05:00

(Photos taken with my old point and shoot camera.)

Last weekend, my friend HL drove from Michigan to visit me and invited me to join her at Lilith Fair (Thanks, HL!!!). I'm all for Girl Power, but I wasn't sure I could handle all that estrogen in one place. Needless to say, the experience was AMAZING!!!

The highlight of the afternoon was meeting a woman I have long admired, Sarah McLachlan. When it comes to celebrities, I'm not much of a groupie - fawning all over someone, screaming or crying, or being ridiculous. During our "Meet and Greet," I wished for something brilliant to come out of my mouth, but unfortunately, I didn't say much. Basically, she introduced herself, I introduced myself, she signed my ticket, and then took a picture with me. I thanked her and that was that. Boring, right?

What I really wanted to do, if either of us had time, was invite her over for a cup of tea, sit down and chat about life or something like that. Silly, I know... (Sarah, if you're reading this, just let me know!)

Anyway, the performances were nothing short of AWESOME. The Court Yard Hounds (Martie and Emily from the Dixie Chicks), Heart, Mary J. Blige, and of course, Sarah McLachlan sang their hearts out. I could feel them put everything they had into their music... Thank you, ladies!

Looking forward to the next Lilith...

Random Musing #17

2010-07-19T21:31:00.001-05:00

Happiness is...

living 2.1 miles from work.

Commute time:
- 7 minutes via car
- 10 minutes via train
- 15 minutes via bike
- 40 minutes on foot

Reconnecting

2010-07-16T11:19:00.001-05:00

Chicago is the city of street fests. There is always a party going on in someone's neighborhood. Just pick one! You can eat, drink, dance, and socialize outdoors every weekend all over this city. This is a favorite summer pastime, so you are sure to bump into people you know.

A few weeks ago, I was at one of these street fests with a small group of friends. While we were enjoying the tunes of a popular band, I turned and saw a familiar face --- a long lost close friend, Ohio Guy. I wasn't absolutely sure if it was him. So much time had passed. If it was him, would he remember me? Thirteen years is a long time to go without seeing someone. I don't know why, but it took me a bit to muster up the courage to find out.

I inched closer to his group of friends. 'I just need a better look,' I thought. Only a few feet away, he looked over at me, screamed my name, and scooped me up in a big bear hug and spun me around.

"You look exactly the same!" he laughed.

I blushed.

"Gee thanks! Uh... You can put me down now."

Aaaahhhh... So wonderful to see an old friend!

We quickly caught up on the basics. How have you been? Where do you live these days? Where are you working? A brief chat and we had to run. The party was ending and our respective groups of friends patiently waited for us to finish talking.

"Well, let's get together for a drink," suggested Ohio Guy.

We exchanged numbers and went on our merry way.

'Life is so strange,' I thought. It's funny how people come in and out of our lives.

I had flashbacks about what my life was like when Ohio Guy and I hung out in the late 90's. Just watch an episode of My Boys and you will have a pretty good idea. I was PJ. Back then, I had so many friends, especially platonic male friends. Not that I don't now, it's just that during those days we all lived in close proximity to each other. We were also at a similar stage in our lives: single, working on our careers, playing a lot of sports, and into the bar scene.

Now my life resembles a weird combo of Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, Sex in the City (unfortunately, not the sex part), and That Girl. Many of my old friends are married with kids and live in the suburbs, so my life in the big city is made of up of mostly new relationships. It's not a bad thing... Life goes on and things change.

But anyway...

I wasn't sure if he would ever call, but then finally Ohio Guy texted me.

"Interested in joining me for a bike ride?" it read.

"Sure!" I replied.

Is this a sign from the universe that the couch is now off limits? Ha! No more excuses for not getting into shape...

Ohio Guy and I, in the 90 degree steamy heat of Chicago, enjoyed a nice 8 mile bike ride along the lakefront. Sure, it was a little painful....for me. OG is in good shape. Actually, he's in great shape. Ugh. The last time I was on my little Trek mountain bike was months ago when it was much cooler. Despite the deep breathing, I somehow managed to keep up with my friend. Luckily, he is very laid back and patient, characteristics that he seems to have kept over the years. Thank goodness!

So what's next with Ohio Guy? I don't know. Hopefully, it won't be a 20 mile bike ride! I would settle for the original plan of meeting for a drink. Although I don't do it very often, I still enjoy throwing back a few frosty bevvies now and then. We can drink a toast to reconnecting...

Cheers!

Random Musing #16

2010-07-16T08:29:00.001-05:00

I started watching Boston Med last night and then I had the overwhelming desire to turn it off. It's not because it is a bad show. In fact, as far as reality television is concerned, it is pretty darn good. The reason I turned it off was that it was too real for me. Go figure! I'll be back to living it on Monday, so why watch it on the Boob Tube?

The Gratitude Dance

2010-07-15T06:55:00.002-05:00

I just didn't feel it this is morning --- thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation. For some reason it was difficult coming up with a Thanksgiving Thursday post when I came across this video. It made me smile. I hope it does the same thing for you!

(Thanksgiving Thursday #17)

Forward Movement

2010-07-14T08:43:00.001-05:00

It is 1982. I am thirteen years old and only a few days away from starting high school. With all the episodes of Happy Days that I've watched, I'm excited and ready for my adventures as an American teenager. I am so much closer to being a Grown Up (i.e., INDEPENDENT) and I can't wait!!! (Oh, you poor naive girl...)

In the corner of my bedroom on my desk is a pile of supplies: a few reams of notebook paper, one package of pens, one package of pencils, highlighters in different colors, a Mead Trapper Keeper to hold all my notes, and magnets for my locker. My backpack lays on the floor, the tag still identifying its various features. My uniform is fitted and pressed, hanging in my closet, like armor for the battle ahead.

Present day and I'm gathering supplies for the adventure ahead. A new pair of shoes, my collection of cute cloth scrub hats, pens and highlighters, a pocket notebook, and a locker organizer are stuffed into a small J. Crew bag under my desk. What else should I pack? A little courage perhaps?

The excitement is building. There is much to do at Little City Hospital. I'm rested and ready to start!

* * * * * * * *

Not only will I be starting a new job, but my spacious abode is about to be invaded. Temporarily, that is. Little Cousin K, 25 years old, will moving in this weekend. She is moving in for some relief from her horrible two-hour commute (each way) from Da Burbs to The City. This is going to be interesting since my place is only a one bedroom. It is only for a few months, so I expect that we'll be fine. Hopefully, Cousin K can eventually find a decent apartment that won't drain her pocketbook too much. City living does get expensive especially for someone who just got out of school.

* * * * * * * *

Last night, I got the update on my next door neighbor J*. He was transferred to a nursing home/rehab facility about 15 minutes away from our 'hood. It was a relief to hear that he has made significant progress in moving his arm and leg, as well as in his speech and language comprehension. The facility will hopefully keep up the momentum with his therapy.

"He is determined to come home, " said his daughter C*.

Such great news... Half the battle is being willing to do the work and not giving up. You go, Big J*!!!

I can't wait to see him sitting on the front stoop again.

To Overhaul or Not to Overhaul

2010-07-13T13:25:00.000-05:00

This extra time off between jobs has given me time to reflect and to renovate (and purge!). I've tackled my closet, my file cabinet, my kitchen, my bathroom, and now it's on to my computer.

I'm looking at my blog and wondering if it's time for an overhaul. Looking at the content, it appears that I am all over the place.

At first this blog was very focused. It started out as a way to document my marathon training back in 2006 while I also raised money for the American Cancer Society. Eventually, it evolved into regular stories of my life. In the meantime, I kept another blog --- an anonymous nurse blog where I shared surgical stories and vented my frustrations.

In an effort to simplify my life, I shut down my anonymous nurse blog and decided to just throw everything into this one. And now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I'm feeling limited as to what I can say my life as an OR nurse without risking some repercussions. My new job starts next week and it's a step up into leadership. Blogging and how it could affect my work is something I have to seriously consider.

Also, I've been reading a lot about Wordpress. I would love to continue my growth as a blogger/writer, so perhaps I should switch to a platform that could help me in that department.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

Birds of a Feather and a Raging River

2010-07-12T13:53:00.003-05:00

What do you when you love to spend time outdoors and the only friends you have who share this interest live two states away? Search MeetUp.com for a local outdoor group! Sure you take a chance that you will run into strange people, but isn't it like that no matter what you do?

I don't know why I don't have any friends here in Chicago (aside from one) that enjoys "roughing it" every now and then. When I sent a mass e-mail to my fellow city dwellers, some wondered if we would be staying at a hotel. Oh, for pete's sake... NO!!!

This past weekend was my first event with this group: Camping and Whitewater Rafting on the Wolf River in Wisconsin. I had never been whitewater rafting before, so I figured what the heck. How could I claim to be an adventurer if I was afraid of getting dirty and/or wet? I didn't know what to expect, but I was excited at the prospect of meeting new people who share the same sense of adventure.

Carpool arrangements were posted on the website and two girls from the city signed on to travel with me. We loaded up my car and made the long drive to Langlade about an hour or two north of Green Bay.

View Larger Map

What should have taken five hours took almost seven thanks to Chicago traffic and miles of construction on the highways of Wisconsin. As luck would have it, my two passengers and I hit it off as if we were long lost friends. We killed the time with stimulating conversation and lots of laughs.

Arriving at our destination, the three of us were faced with pitching our tents with limited lighting. Fortunately, we all had experience so, while a few of the male members of the group looked on and threw out a macho comment or two, we set up our tents (two tents that could accommodate 3 people) in about ten minutes. Not that it mattered, but they were thoroughly impressed. My guess is that they've never been around outdoorsy, independent women before. Voila! Here we are!

After pitching our tents, we met a few people, but decided to crash early so that we wouldn't miss the 7:40am bus to the Wolf River. I set the alarm on my cell phone and wrapped myself up in my super comfy sleeping bag. Aaaaahhhhh...

Before my alarm went off, I popped up like a slice of bread out of a toaster. Bing! The adrenaline was already rushing through my body.

I'm ready to take on the river! I thought.

I grabbed my toiletries and headed to the "Shower House." It was a nicely maintained facility with toilets, sinks, and showers (pay $1 in quarters for the first five minutes, and $0.25 for each additional minute). No one else was awake, so there was no waiting.

Thirty-two of us boarded the bus on Saturday morning. The organizers ran through a few safety tips. Many of us were virgin rafters. It wasn't hard to tell who we were. All someone had to do was look at our faces --- mixed expressions of fear and excitement. Forget the fact that we were afraid; we showed up which is what counted.

When we arrived at our destination, we were greeted by a tall and muscular Native American (I call him "Chief Nice Muscles") with the distinct accent of those who live closer to Canada. It reminded me of the movie Fargo. "You betcha..." His instructions lasted five minutes. That's it. He told us not get out of the raft if we got stuck on some rocks and also to stay towards the left on all of the falls.

"The river is high and fast this year because of all rain we had, so be careful out there," he warned.

My raft partner was G*, one of the organizers. When embarking on something that could possibly be dangerous, I try to nab an experienced person as my partner. It was a great relief that he volunteered to ride the river with me.

We waited until everyone successfully launched and then it was our turn.

"Does it matter if I sit in front or back? I'm just wondering about weight distribution... I, uh, don't want to get catapulted into the water." I smiled trying not insult G* who was almost 100 lbs heavier than me.

He replied, "Nope... It doesn't matter..."

G* sat in the front while I was in the back. We took our oars and paddled on opposite sides of each other. It took a little while for me to get the hang of it, but my partner was patient. After all, it wasn't a race to the finish. Part of the rafting experience was to take in the beauty of our surroundings.

And it was gorgeous. Both sides of the river were thick with forest, trees that must have been there for hundreds and hundreds of years. They reached towards the sky, some toward the river. Birds flew overheard. Beautiful blue dragonflies skimmed the water as if they were admiring their own reflection.

We propelled our boat forward for little while until we heard the sounds of the active water ahead of us.

"Do you hear that?" he asked. "It means that we have to get ready for a fall..."

As we got closer to the fast moving waters, we hunkered down side-by-side in the middle of the raft hooking our feet under the seat in front of us. We were tossed about and then SPLASH!

There was a decent sized drop at the end of the fall which sent us under for a brief moment. We were soaked from head to toe. The light bulb went on in my head... Oh, that's why we needed waterproof bags for our lunch items! I had a cooler with me. Note --- do not bring granola bars or trail mix because the packaging might not be sealed airtight and they will not survive submersion; apples and other fruit are better options.

G* and I paddled and rested, exchanging stories about ourselves, our backgrounds, etc. You know, stuff that comes up when you're sharing a boat with a complete stranger. We also stopped to socialize with the others in our group that floated by us. Conversations flowed as easy as the river. It was so refreshing. My theory is that that people who like to spend time communing with nature are, with a few exceptions, easy going and friendly. After all, if you are open to getting a little dirty, then you lack that pretense that prevents you from hanging out with new people.

It wasn't too long before we heard the upcoming rapids. We tried to steer our boat towards the left, but the water took us over and into some rocks toward the right. Uh oh...

G* and I were STUCK.

As in not moving. As in the fast moving water that was crashing around the rocks was landing right in our raft. Someone turned on a firehose and we were in front of it. We were wedged between two large rocks. I could touch them on both sides as well as feel them under the raft. Now what?

Instead of breaking out into tears or freaking out, I couldn't help myself but start giggling. I've been in precarious situations before and this is what happens. My nervous laughter comes bubbling out. I supposed it's my coping mechanism. Sometimes I feel that only I, and I alone, get in these situations. It was so ridiculous that someone must be capturing this on video, right? Come on out, Ashton! Am I being Punk'd?

My giggling confused G*, but eventually he caught on. In fact, he was grateful. That's all he needed was to deal with someone who was losing it.

When you are stuck with raging rapids pouring water into your raft, your brain's problem solving center goes into hyper mode. At least mine did, especially when G*, who had nine years of experience under his belt, admitted to me that he had no clue what to do.

We tried everything to free our boat from the rocks, but to no avail. It was tempting to get out, but it was obviously not safe. G* and I tried to get some leverage by sticking the oars under the raft and prying ourselves free. Attempt failed. We tried to get into one end of the raft and jump around. No dice. Same on the other end. No luck.

In between attempts at freeing ourselves, we would stop and take a break, watching our comrades easily conquer these rapids, smiling and waving as they passed. It was a parade of mockery. Ugh! Of course, G* took a lot of abuse since he, our fearless leader, bragged about the experience he had under is belt.

Thirty minutes later, we felt our raft move a little. It was the weight of the water inside the raft that helped gravity pull us a little forward. With a little assistance from our oars which we used to push against a rock, this time WITH THE FLOW of the rapids, we were set free.

Hurray!!!

No sooner after our escape, we were stuck once more but this time by a large log in the river. Two young guys from our group, who were on the side of the river draining their raft, waded over to us and freed us from yet another trap.

During the course of our struggle, G* managed to bang his knees against some rocks since he was kneeling in the middle of the raft (which, by the way, you should not do for this exact reason). With a history of knee problems, it was apparent that he was in pain.

Just a little further down, we caught up with our group at a rest site where we grabbed some lunch. Everyone from our group gathered round to hear our tale of adventure and proceeded to tease G* about his "expertise."

Are you sure you have nine years of experience?
Maybe you were stuck on purpose. After all, you had a girl in your boat... (wink wink)

After I ate some lunch, it was time for us all to get back in our rafts. G* was in no shape to walk let alone ride a wild river. He decided that he would just meet us all at the end and take pictures. I joined my two carpool buddies and was happy to be a passenger and not a rower.

We tackled the second fall without any issues, but our raft was full of water. Searching for a place to empty, we spotted people from our group on the side near a marsh. It was a difficult place to tip our rafts, but with a little teamwork we made it happen. Later, those of us who emptied near the marsh discovered that the blades from the tall grass left scratches all over our legs. Funny, but we didn't feel anything at the time.

A few more rapids and then it was time for the big fall. G* told me earlier that it was a 26 foot drop. He had also mentioned that this river was rated a Class IV. I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded like this was no gentle body of water. I broke the news to my friends. We were all afraid, but resolved to face this challenge together like the Three Musketeers. Or should I say the Three Amigos? ha ha

The thunder of the water clued us in... Time to brace ourselves!!!

It was gentle at first. One little, two little plops... And then......... HOOOOOLLLLYYYYY SHHHHHHH.....IIIIIIITTTTTT!!!

>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

>>>>>SPLASH!!!<<<<<<

>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

We looked at other and started laughing. WE MADE IT!!!

That was it. Phew!

Up ahead, we saw our fellow adventurers paddling toward the shore where Chief Nice Muscles was collecting our rafts and vests. We were caught for few minutes in an eddy, but managed to maneuver ourselves to shallow water.

One of my friends, curious about the latest rating of the Wolf River, asked the Chief what class it was.

"Oh, it's a Class V, he replied.

"What the highest class?" she inquired.

"A Class V."

Oh geez... So much for easing our way into rafting! Our first run was on an "expert" level river. Whoa...

We waited for the rest of the group to go down the waterfall. Everyone managed to stay in their raft except for one couple. The lady in the raft panicked and grabbed onto her partner throwing them both overboard.
We were relieved to see their heads pop up after they were dumped from the raft, especially since the water was running so fast. I doubt that he'll want to partner up with her again next time!

The rest of the evening was very relaxed; we need to let our tired bodies rest --- a little dinner, some drinks, and great conversation around a campfire.

Overall, it was a wonderful trip, especially the part where I made new friends - fun and laid back people who share my love of the outdoors.

What's next? I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that there are more adventures to come!

Change of Shift, Vol. 5, No. 1

2010-07-08T16:04:00.002-05:00

Change of Shift celebrate its fifth anniversary! Thanks to Kim at Emergiblog for keeping it alive and well. We're looking forward to the next five years of the best of the nursing blogosphere. Enjoy...

God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home...

2010-07-08T13:09:00.001-05:00

Over the last few months, I fantasized about living overseas. My networking brought me in touch with a recruiter from the UK. I even thought about signing on as a civilian nurse working for the Army or perhaps even joining as military nurse. Being single with no family (no hubby, kids, or boyfriend) and a surgical nurse, I convinced myself that I could surely find a role for myself across the ocean.

Then the Fourth of July holiday weekend came, time with my family was in order. My dad flipped on the TV and lo and behold, John Stossel's special, "What's Great About America," was on. As I watched, it dawned on me all the things that I have taken for granted and how good I actually have it here. My parents knew what they were doing when then they choose to immigrate to the U.S. Don't get me wrong --- I'm not saying that it would be a bad thing for me to join the military. Maybe I'll go that way in the future. It's just given the current circumstances of my personal life, I'm needed HERE.

If I look close enough, there are so many things that are RIGHT about my life here in the good ol' USA.

My immediate family lives here and around the Midwest. It takes me 45 minutes to drive to the Da Burbs and 1 1/2 hours to get to Milwaukee to see my fun-loving cousins. For those further away, it's just a matter of me driving 20 minutes (or hopping in a cab or on the train) to O'Hare or Midway airports to get on a plane or to pick them up from there.
I have a close circle of friends who live in Chicago and around the country. Again, O'Hare and Midway - easy access.
I am enjoying a successful career as a Registered Nurse. Believe it or not, nurses in the US have it good compared to many other countries. I never realized this until I started doing some research and speaking first hand to friends in the know. If moved to one of the countries of my choice, I would have to take a pay cut. The whole point of living overseas in order to travel would be lost since I probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Here in the U.S., it doesn't take long before hard work (and some networking) pays off. I've moved up the ladder quickly for being a nurse for only 5 years. I enjoy the respect of my nursing colleagues as well as other medical professionals. And I get paid a decent salary plus benefits to do something that I love.
My salary and the fact that I live in this country allows me to live independently as in BY MYSELF. I am a single, Asian-American woman who is able to provide food, clothing, shelter, and some luxuries for me, myself, and I. It's a great feeling to know that I can take care of myself.
I can afford decent living conditions without a roommate. I am in a spacious one bedroom apartment (nothing fancy, 900 square feet or 83.6 square meters) in an upscale neighborhood with friendly neighbors. It has laundry in the unit, air conditioning, heat, a decent sized bathroom complete with tub, dishwasher, and full kitchen. I know I am lucky... During one of my trips to the Philippines to visit family, I recall rows and rows of shacks only a block away from my aunt's neighborhood. Piles of garbage lay next to the makeshift homes. I felt extremely guilty for everything I had. "I live in the lap of luxury compared to them," I thought. Talk about perspective.
I can wear whatever I want. There are no dress requirements for me - well, except for my job in surgery (which is more for health and safety reasons). But outside of work, I am free to break the rules of fashion. Sure, Stacey and Clinton from What Not To Wear might pop out at any moment, but I still have a choice. Lucky for my neighbors, I try my hardest not to be an eyesore. ; ) ha ha
I can say and write what I want. I'm on Blogger, Yelp, LinkedIn, etc. I express my opinions - right or wrong; I tell people about my life (well, some stuff). Freedom of Speech. I love it.
I can pick my religion, choose to worship or not worship. No one tells me to go to church even though there's one right across the street from me. I believe that one's relationship with God - or not having one - is highly personal and I prefer to keep it that way.
I feel protected in this country. The men and women that serve our citizens - police department, fire department, military, and even our medical professionals. I see it every day... I feel strongly that if I seek help, I will find it.
I am free to reinvent myself. During my trip to Paris, I had an interesting conversation with the owner of the bed and breakfast where I stayed. We discovered that we were former colleagues from a world-wide consulting firm. He was based in Paris, while I was in Dallas. When he found out that, after losing a job that I loved, I went back to school to become a nurse, he remarked on his admiration for Americans. When at a crossroads, he told me, Americans have the opportunity and are motivated to change their lives through education. This has always impressed him. I was naive in my thinking that that everyone, no matter where they lived (particularly in Europe), could and would want to do that. I guess not! And I'm still here, reinventing myself...

So I'm staying put for now, unless Life take me elsewhere. I'm happy to travel the world, but I know that there's no place like home. And if home is where the heart is, then my heart is here in the land of the free, home of the brave.

(Thanksgiving Thursday #16, I think...)

Bump in the Road

2010-07-08T07:33:00.001-05:00

For the long holiday weekend, I headed out to my parents house in Da Burbs. My brother, sister-in-law, and 3 year old nephew were in town so I knew it would be Quality Time with mi familia. Determined to stay on my exercise and diet plan, I brought my DVDs, training bands (those big rubber bands), and workout clothes. I even brought my fancy schmancy new camera thinking that I would have the time to go out and snap some shots of woodland scenery.

Good thinking, Marj... Or not.

I don't know why I bothered to pack all that crap. What actually ended up happening from Thursday night through Monday morning was me running around with the 3 year old, sitting around the kitchen and grazing (oh, the constant graze!), and hanging out with at least one or two family members in front of the boob tube watching movies on HBO, Starz or Encore.

Ugh. I knew that was going to happen.

There is something about being around my family that doesn't allow me to some of the things I normally do when I'm at home in the city. Oh yeah, I actually have to slow down... What a concept! Yes, quality time with my family is active but not in the get-up-and-go kind of way. We sit, talk, eat - and eat and eat (yes, they're very Filipino).

This isn't a bad thing, except for the fact that I set myself back on the whole exercise thing. And unfortunately, since I returned to my urban abode, there have been several road blocks for me getting back into it. There was the malfunction with my air conditioning for a couple of days that prevented me from doing anything but sit on my couch. Even that made me sweat! Once it was fixed, my social life seemed to pick up. Over the last couple of days, I've spent a considerable amount of time with friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have quality time with people I care about. It's just that I'm feeling guilty about falling off my routine.

Question of the Day: How can I stop this from happening again?

I'm not sure what the solution is. All I know is that I can't sit here and berate myself all day. It's time to pick up where I left off. Stop thinking so much (this is a tough one for me). Time to DO.

"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." ~ Yoda

No matter what is in my life, the learning never stops...

City Girl Soon To Be Working Girl

2010-07-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

It's official... I just accepted an offer to be an Assistant Clinical Manager in the Surgery department at Little City Hospital!

In about two and a half weeks, I will be a working stiff once again. I'm excited about the opportunity 1) to be part of a strong management team - one where I have two incredible mentors, 2) to work in a more positive and friendly environment (you bet I checked that one out!!!), and 3) to have the chance to utilize my business and nursing skills and experience, along with my fellow nurse leaders, to improve a department that desperately needs it.

I've been told to enjoy my vacation, because it is surely going to be an adventure...

It will be interesting to see how I make the transition from staff nurse to team leader to being part of "The Management." Uh oh... Am I going to be considered "one of those people?"

In the past, my fellow staff nurses have encouraged me to apply for management jobs because they were confident that I would be a good leader. I hope they're right. Well, we'll find out for sure, huh?

Wish me luck. Please feel free to share any words of wisdom!

Closer To Fine

2010-07-01T06:11:00.000-05:00

Time off is the cure for the I-Hate-My-Job Blues. I'm so grateful that I've been able to regroup, relax, and get my head back on straight. Just a few weeks and I felt like myself again! Thank goodness!!!

The Long Road Ahead

2010-06-29T11:20:00.003-05:00

Last week I was able to visit my 80-year-old neighbor, J*, who is recovering from a stroke. Not only did I want to see my friend, but his daughter requested that I be there for a meeting with the doctor and all the therapists. My role was merely support and perhaps I could further explain what the healthcare professionals were going to tell her and her family. We drove to the downtown facility together, only 5 minutes away from our little neighborhood.

J* was sitting in a large padded wheelchair at a long table in a spacious, brightly lit room with other patients. His sister-in-law and her husband were sitting across from him reading the paper as he watch television. A look of sadness was on J*'s face. It broke my heart to see my usually jovial neighbor in such a state.

"Dad, look who is here to see you..." C* said to her father.

I positioned myself in front of him so he could easily see me.

"Hey, J*, it's me... Remember me?"

He looked at me and searched my face. Suddenly, it registered. As soon as he recognized me, he softly said, "Ohhhhhh..." He smiled, a half-smile with his right-sided paralysis, and then suddenly stopped as if he was going to cry.

My heart broke to see him like this. Tears welled up in his eyes, but at the coaxing of his daughter, he was able to stop himself. If J* did start crying, I wouldn't have been able to hold back my tears.

We both regained our composure.

"I'm here to check up on you and make sure you're behaving yourself," I joked.

He waved his left hand as if to say, "Oh, you smart ass..." If he could talk, he would definitely have said something to that effect. Unfortunately, he has aphasia and apraxia and has trouble putting sentences together. I was happy he could at least understand me.

We all sat together for a while, making small talk with J*, until a physical therapist came over to pick him up for a session. J* protested. He did not want to go because of the pain he experiences when his right arms is moved during therapy.

Everyone encouraged J* to go.

"We'll be right here when you get back," his family promised.

I told J*, "You have to move it or lose it... I know it hurts but you have to do this! You CAN do this..."

His family agreed. He was already receiving significant amounts of pain medicine. According to his wife, much of his apprehension was because of fear. The therapist ensured him and the family that she would go slowly and that they would stop if it was too much for him.

While he was away, C* rounded up the family and me to head to the conference room where we would be meeting with the healthcare team that was assigned to J*.

The meeting was a roundtable review of J*'s care beginning with the attending physician. Also present were physical therapists, an occupation therapist, speech therapist, the case manager, and a medical student. I was very impressed by the report which covered everything that has been done thus far, plus next steps.

At one point, J* was brought into the room so that he could hear part of the update as well. He tried to participate, but his limitations brought that to a frustrating halt. I know that he wanted to put his two cents in... It was tough to watch him search for the words that never came.

The toughest part of the meeting was when the topic of discharge was discussed. J* can't stay in the hospital forever, so planning needs to be done for when he leaves the facility.

The attending doc and the therapists explained that J* needs COMPLETE care, 24/7, which requires the assistance of two trained people. This would be a large undertaking for the family. J* is not a large man, but he does carry significant weight. With his chronic back problems, it is difficult to move him. He suffers from right-sided paralysis and currently does not have use of his right hand, arm, leg, and foot. There are so many basic things that we take for granted that he cannot do alone: brushing his teeth, bathing himself, going to the bathroom, and feeding himself.

C* and her mother insisted that he would not be going to a nursing home. He had a bad experience after his back surgery a few years ago. His family swore that would not do that to him again.

J* added to that by repeating, "Nooooo... Noooooo... Nooooooo..."

The team tried their best to appeal to J*'s family. C* and her mother broke out into tears and looked at me pleadingly. All I could say is the same thing the doctor and therapists said.

"You don't have to make any decisions now... Just get information from the case manager about possible places and see how far your dad has progressed in his therapy in a week or so."

Later, his sister-in-law asked me what I thought. I explained that many of my mom's patients go to a nursing home because the access to rehab services is better than if they would go home. They recover faster and it is not as much of a strain to the family. As a doctor whose primary patient population are geriatric, she sees this quite often. I also told them that my mother would have put herself in a nursing home with rehab services if she didn't recover as fast as she did from her stroke a couple of years ago. My recommendation was to do some research on facilities, take a tour, and go with a place where they feel comfortable.

C* kept saying that she and her family could handle taking care of her dad. I tried to give her some perspective on what would be involved in bringing him home too soon.

Home Reconstruction
They would have build a ramp for entry into their city home which has your typical "urban stoop." Many city homes have narrow doorways and theirs is no exception. Just to get J*'s wheelchair in, they would have to widen the door. Depending on how much he is able to move himself, the bathroom might have to be redesigned.

Equipment
Not only would construction be required, but room would have to be made for additional equipment. If they wanted to get him up to C*'s upstairs apartment, a chairlift would have to be purchased and installed. To transfer J* from bed to wheelchair, the family would have to buy a Hoyer Lift. The therapists also mentioned buying a hospital bed for ease of transfer and positioning.

Patient Care
J* would need 24/7 care at home which Medicare does not cover. He needs someone to bath him, brush his teeth, help him go to the bathroom, feed him, and make sure that he is turned so that he doesn't have any skin breakdown. His family would have to arrange for therapists to make home visits which would not happen as frequently as it would in a nursing home.

I'm sure there is more that I didn't address as far as what the family would have to do at home instead of letting him further recover in a nursing home. Amidst all this, each responsible family member would have the challenge of coping with this heartbreaking situation and negotiate having a life outside of being a full-time caregiver.

Honestly, I don't know much about how to do that. Support groups, perhaps?

I know that C* is experiencing a lot of guilt.

"I promised him I wouldn't do it," she said when we talked about the nursing home.

Sigh.

What else could I say? I'm just the next door neighbor who happens to be a nurse.

Ultimately, I don't have any answers that would make it easier for her to deal with this difficult situation. I wish I did. All I can do and will do is to be the friend that listens. I hope it helps even just a little bit...

Change of Shift (Sante Fe Style!)

2010-06-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

Change of Shift is up over at Digital Doorway. One of these days, I'll get around to contributing. In the meantime, happy reading!!!

Cheers...

Just Shoot It

2010-06-25T10:05:00.003-05:00

As I mentioned before, I got a fancy schmancy camera from my parents for my birthday. It is the latest and greatest from Canon and I have NO IDEA where to start on my path to learning about photography.

"Just go out and take pictures," advised my brother who has become quite the photo guru.

Like most parents, he is slightly obsessed with documenting the life and times of his one and only child, 3-year-old David.

"Uh, OK, but how I do I figure out what all these little knobs and buttons do?" I replied.

My brother sighed and said, "Just take pictures and read the book."

Right. I can handle that.

Yesterday, I wandered the busy streets of Chicago, fancy camera in hand. I had no idea where to begin. I start thinking, "What's a girl like you, doing with a camera like this?"

Then my internal dialogue started...

I've got the gear, now what??? Where do I start? What should my subject matter be? Do I look like I know what I'm doing? Do people think I'm a tourist? (You know, Asian chick with a camera.) Do people think I do this for a living? Why do I care about what they think? After all, it's my camera and I love it! What am I supposed photograph when there is no special occasion going on? Every day is a special occasion in this city - just look around. Hmmmmm... Maybe I should go on one of those double-decker bus tours so I don't have to walk so much.

While I was caught up in my crazy thoughts and trying find perfect photo opportunities for practice shots, I found myself walking. A LOT. Who knew that this hobby would give me such a great workout?!

Anyway, so much for my first day out as an amateur photographer! At some point, my crazy thoughts will stop and I will learn about photography and my new toy one day at a time --- just like everything else in my life.

Recovery of a Single Girl

2010-06-24T10:37:00.000-05:00

"Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantenment it is perennial as the grass."

~Desiderata

I have heard that if you take the amount of time a couple has been together, divide it by half, the result is how long it will take one to recover after the demise of the relationship.

Hmmmmm... Let me see... Ten months divided by two is five months. We broke up in February... It's almost five months later... How am I feeling? Ummmmm... Yeah, I'm good.

The break up wasn't the worst one I've experienced. There was no yelling, no screaming, no items being hurled through the air. Just a quiet resignation and goodbye. A few tears (on my part) and that was it. Based on that description, I think that recovery theory applies because 1) there was no infidelity or abuse, 2) it was simply because of compatibility issues, and 3) we just didn't love each other enough for the long haul.

So now here I am single and ready. Looking back, I'm amazed that I can say that. There have been a few signs that show I'm ready to consider getting out on the dating scene.

One such indicator was my encounter with The Ex a couple of weeks ago at a bar. It was awkward --- you know, the kind of feeling that makes you shift in your seat wondering if there would be a dramatic scene. Surprisingly, I was fine. Everything was fine. It wasn't one of those moments where you have to leave because you can't hold yourself together. Believe me, I've been there before. This wasn't one of those moments.

My friend K was the one who told me he had arrived, with a girl no less. It was bound to happen, since we have similar taste in music and a swing band was scheduled to perform that night. The first thing that popped in my mind was, 'I hope he doesn't come over here and shake my hand.'

Sure enough, after some time passed, that's exactly what he did.

Good grief.

He's a nice guy, but I don't think he gets that some girls don't want to be friends after you break up with them. A nod or a wave would have sufficed. Seriously.

There is a reason that I'm not friends with my ex-boyfriends. I don't need to explain why I prefer to cut all communications with Cheaters and Creeps. That's a big "DUH!" But even the relationships that ended because we weren't a good match, our values didn't align, or one or both of us couldn't picture getting married, I still avoid pursuing a platonic relationship. We can have a pleasant chat when we bump into each other, but don't call me to get together for a drink.

In my experience, because of a couple's history, there is too great a risk of a platonic relationship with an ex turning into an unhealthy cycle of attempted connection.

Here's a scenario:

It has been over a year since your break up. You and your ex are on speaking terms and start developing a platonic relationship. Neither one of you is dating someone, so then hanging out starts quite innocently.

You meet for coffee. A few days later you meet for drinks with your mutual friends. The gang is back together and all is well. This becomes a regular thing and life is good.

One day he asks you out for a nice dinner. Terrific. You get dressed up and off you go. He sees you and throws a sweet compliment your way. You gush. The meal is terrific and the wine is flowing. You start thinking about how good this feels. "Comfortable" I think is the word.

How about a nightcap? Sure... You venture to a schwanky bar where both of you consume more alcohol. At this point, you both have convinced yourselves that the fire is back and this could be destiny. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know...

Relationship Take Two!!!

It only takes you a week or two to realize exactly why you broke up in the first place. The old arguments come back. You haven't changed. He hasn't changed. Or you both have changed in ways the other can't understand. Yes, it's over. Again.

You berate yourself for not thinking clearly and swear that this time it is really over. "I am not making that mistake again!!!" you declare.

Less than a year later you are friends again.

Repeat cycle.

So that's party of my reasoning behind the Don't Be Friends With Your Ex rule. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I'm having a hard time coming up with a good one!

Although I am ready to get back "Out There," I'm not planning on sending out a search party for my long lost perfect match, soulmate, or whatever you want to call him. With any luck, we'll find each other.

And if not, I can honestly say that life is still good and I'm grateful for all that I have.